April 8th, 2015|

I don’t like people who are constantly criticizing. I always find something wrong with what they are doing.

April 7th, 2015|

I don’t get it. Every time I take a selfie, the camera replaces me with someone much older.

April 7th, 2015|

Had a great flight yesterday. And the pilot was not even depressive.

April 4th, 2015|

That’s what I call overkill. He could have solved it all by giving pharaoh a severe case of diarrhea, but no… he had to go out and slay every first born.

March 23rd, 2015|

Forget new tricks. The real challenge is to teach an old dog his old tricks…

March 17th, 2015|

At first she couldn’t get enough of him. But then she could.

March 14th, 2015|

Lucky for me. I just read 59 is the new 58!

March 12th, 2015|

I think I may have just reached my memory’s limit. This morning when I was trying to memorize a telephone number, my fourth grade teacher completely disappeared..

March 4th, 2015|

Please God, don’t let the fact that you don’t exist stop you from granting my wishes.

March 2nd, 2015|

I’ve always been a party pooper. I used to just not like parties. Now I take it more literally.

February 17th, 2015|

Good news. I’ve managed to prune my Facebook friend list so perfectly that I am not exposed to a single thought or muttering that I don’t agree with completely.

February 16th, 2015|

My upcoming autobiography will be the first book composed entirely of emoticons.