• My new venture “The Guilt Channel” is nearly complete. It will feature programming to make you feel guilty 24/7, in HD
  • Note to kidnappers who kidnapped my wife a few months ago. Would it be possible to release her for a couple of hours? I can’t find the TV remote.
  • I don’t understand why people insist on discussing other topics when it is so much more interesting discussing me
  • I was just informed I won the laconic expression competition. My response: ‘ah’
  • I’m trying out these new glasses. Put them on and the whole world looks 3D. Amazing!
  • My experiment of double clicking people in the street to see what they are thinking was not entirely successful. However the doctor says I can go home soon
  • There are days where you just put yourself aside and think about humanity and the greater good. Today is not one one of those days.
  • My system is to use logic to arrive at the wrong conclusions with more confidence
  • I always knew what I wanted to be when I grew up… A pessimist
  • I am finally within reach of becoming what Einstein was… Old
  • They would probably get much better results if the conference on global warming were held in the summer. We have no memory…
  • The doctor said there were only three others he knew of with my condition. I guess eating chicken while scuba diving in high heels and pajamas isn’t all that common
  • I find that very often it is just time that stands between me and being punctual
  • I think I am just too broadminded to take my own side in an argument.
  • Following the current evolutionary trajectories, in ten years humanity’s sole purpose will be feeding Facebook
  • I was thinking man needs religion like a fish needs a bicycle, but realized that was wrong. With time a fish could learn to pedal.
  • My fear of open spaces is equal only to my fear of closed places. It’s an ongoing dilemma.
  • People. Please stop calling to ask whether I won the Nobel chemistry prize. It hurts enough as it is
  • Feeling somewhat Ill today, scenes from my life started flashing before my very eyes. After a while I got a bit tired and asked the actors to go home. Those kids really want their inheritance.
  • My new attempt at a smash hit “I did it sideways” is receiving only lukewarm responses.
  • Yesterday I had a profound religious experience. I suddenly believed in a cruel yet primitive creator and hated anyone who didn’t.
  • There is some justice. As compensation for not getting any sense of humor the Germans were given an hilarious accent.
  • More trouble with my time machine. It is now stuck at a constant pace one hour per hour. What a nightmare…
  • My new cookbook for men really only has one recipe in it. ‘melt cheese over it’
  • A depressing thought. Right now I might be at my very best!
  • Just realized I have an enormous advantage over the great personalities, the creators of our civilization… I am alive.
  • I think I solved the problem of how to overcome jealousy. Have everything!
  • I’m planning my own birthday party. it’s a surprise party, so the idea is to do it on a date I least expect it.
  • If lunch is served at night is it still lunch? What does it feel about itself? These things bother me
  • I have a huge problem. My time machine broke down and the guy who fixes it only opens in 2075.
  • My way of fighting non conformity is by disagreeing with no one.
  • Every time I look at myself in the mirror I look younger and younger, until I try it with my glasses on.
  • Surprise happens when you least expect it.
  • Turns out (shut up already) that I (smelly butt) am one of only a few people (WTF?) to develop (growl) Writer’s Torett’s (burp) syndrome.
  • Sick and tired of having to come up with my own conversation text. I am getting a teleprompter with three content packages. ‘You and the arts’, ‘ooh isn’t that interesting’ and ‘talking sports’.
  • Was planning on a good juicy nightmare, but got a happy ending instead. Bummer.
  • I was thinking of getting my life in order and finally finding purpose and meaning, but something more interesting came up.
  • The way I deal with my short attention span is by… wow did you see that??
  • Had a great hair day today. The rest of me… not so much
  • My car is really slow. I have to repeat each traffic light three times until it gets it
  • I have decided to skip working on my climb to stardom and go directly to producing the comeback.
  • Scientists discover that to a banana everything looks like a banana
  • My current plan is to revive my old patent for nose hair and start charging commission. I am just back from the post office and and a quick look around tells me I have it made.
  • In private, I’m an extrovert.
  • My newly developed system (pyrocommuting) let’s firemen work from home
  • Leave it to humanity to take fantastically useful tools such as fingernails and turn them into an ugly painted ornament that stops you from doing anything useful.
  • I think I am going to stop bringing my security blanket to meetings. Maybe not immediately, but eventually.
  • Working on my mind over matter skills. Can currently make furniture stay still.
  • wondering why I climbed all the way to the top of the food chain and then always order salad.
  • Google’s new google-demic program can get you any disease you want for free. of course there is some advertising to go through. But still…
  • Finding it difficult to get the non-conformist union started. I don’t get it…They won’t sign up.
  • Cut a worm in half and it goes ‘what was that? oh never mind, where were we going?’ I cut my pinkie on a piece of paper yesterday. I’m spending the day in bed.
  • Trying to sign up to this ‘Using your time effectively’ seminar. Been on the phone with them for 3 hours.
  • Working on my Evolving Office Furniture line. This is furniture that applies Darwinian natural selection principals to its design. Every so often your chair mutates slightly. If it is more comfortable, you use it, otherwise you kick it and it tries again.
  • Enough already. I am thinking of just giving up the daily struggle and settling on becoming a handsome, successful, talented media tycoon who does some composing on the side.
  • Turns out the only things keeping the newspaper industry alive are a fish and chip shop in London and Ms. Parker’s paper mache workshop.
  • Just read that ear hair has an evolutionary purpose of protection and sanitation. I think it is just a really effective form of birth control.
  • It would be nice if once in a while one of my dreams included me… Who does the casting for these things?
  • Great… Now I won’t find out if I’ve won the thriftiness competition. Sold the phone.
  • Frustrated because when I walk around with my imaginary friend, people tend to talk to him and ignore me altogether.
  • Reached a status quo with the GPS. I don’t call him stupid and he doesn’t say ‘recalculating’ with quite as much contempt as before.
  • I will only sign up to the non-conformist union if everyone else does.
  • Went to the gym again today. Haven’t figured out all those machines, but the cafeteria is great.
  • Working on my mind reading skills. Currently I can only read minds of people who think exactly like me. It’s a start.
  • This afternoon I felt like a snack. It was bad. I never knew how horrible snacks felt
  • If I were in my shoes I would do things in a completely different way.
  • New research verifies it is better to be young, healthy and rich than old, poor and ugly.
  • If you find one page in scripture of any religion that you can totally agree with… you are not paying attention.
  • My Just when you Need Them (JWYNT) Shoe system is almost ready for market. Attach what you need to the bottom of your shoe. Snow for skiing, carpet for softer walking, grass for the nature walk. Your personal environment, exactly where you need it.
  • Today felt exactly like a Wednesday. I was dismayed to find out it was Thursday. Can I trust anything anymore?
  • Not feeling like myself today, but what do I know. This could be the real thing and I’ve been living a lie till now
  • To eliminate confusion I am now requiring all people I deal with to use thought balloons, you know, the ones in comic books that show what you are thinking. Why do I have to be constantly guessing?
  • Checked out the small print on my life insurance: ‘good for three heart attacks or a teenager, whatever comes first’
  • ‘Relationships are all about people’. And they want me to pay for that seminar?
  • Yesterday I attended a stubbornness competition. They told me it was over, but I refuse to go home.
  • If God wanted me to be a better person he would have given me the ability to do so.
  • ‘I’m a PC’, ‘I’m a Mac’ are fun but I find at my age I am more attracted to ‘I’m a heartburn’, ‘I’m high blood pressure’
  • I tried to minimize my failures by doing less, but that didn’t work either.
  • Glass floor discovered. Turns out there is a limit to how little a rich white male executive can make compared to his female cor minorities counterpart.
  • Just finished first in the international modesty championship. My acceptance speech: ‘it was really nothing’.
  • Google’s new AdFriends system, monitors everything you say via a little under the skin implant. Any time you mention one of the sponsors to your friends Goggle pays you 2.4 cents. Drink Coke.
  • I’ve discovered that my closet is a magical doorway to a world that is all underwear, socks and old sweaters.
  • My firm offers a perforated lead parachute. If I’m fired… I owe them money for every month of employment.
  • Bad news. the organization of average persons sent me a note. I am no longer welcome
  • My therapist said he feels that he is constantly being watched. I’m worried about him. I might remove the wiretap.
  • Our marketing department just came back with the message of what we are looking for. It needs to target 22 to 24 year olds, be blue with some chrome, not offend vegetarians and cost about $63.95. They said we need to hire a consultant to figure out what it actually does.
  • If everyone is different, doesn’t it make them basically the same?
  • Apple just sent an agent over to take away my iPhone. ‘Wrong demographic’ they claimed.
  • At the end of the day what matters is whether you used expressions like ‘at the end of the day’ or say something meaningful.
  • The only way to insure your happiness is with MetLife. ‘Your frown is our loss.
  • Turns out cats can’t be taught how to sew on buttons. That was a total waste of electricity.
  • Just ironing out the kinks of my latest screenplay, a larger than life saga of a young man who goes out in search of love but settles for a good sandwich.
  • Who did Adam and Eve’s kids sleep with to make the next generation? That explains a few things…
  • Felt rebellious today. The sign said ‘Cross Here’. I didn’t. The warranty said ‘Read before using’. I didn’t. Not sure where this is all leading. Very Scary.
  • Started thinking inside the box. It was getting too crowded outside.
  • The public restroom sign said ‘put nothing but toilette paper in the toilette’. No wonder the place was so disgusting.
  • No one ever started a war over soup. That is just one of the reasons I would take soup over religion any day.
  • If we could just get germs to wash their hands we’d have far fewer diseases to worry about.
  • I hear them whispering behind my back. I know they are talking about my paranoia.
  • השנה היורה כבר הגשים את עצמו
  • Thought of going to the naval academy, then reconsidered. How interesting can one orifice be?
  • Took the GPS in to be repaired. Couldn’t find my way back home.
  • The driver into whose lane I seemed to have drifted claimed I had called him a descendant of a female canine and concluded that I had performed sexual acts with my maternal parent. The experience left me scared without excrement.
  • Met this guy I liked and talked to him. After a while I unliked him so I decided to untalk to him
  • Pondering what the past will look like tomorrow. OK… That got old, lets check the fridge.
  • Went to see the zerologist to evaluate the void. I asked him what’s wrong… Nothing
  • My GPS has persuaded other appliances of mine to to take his point of view. The microwave is now also convinced I’m an idiot.
  • My newly patented process takes ordinary bread and with the help of a household toaster… turns it into coal! Energy problems… Goodbye
  • Just hired my mom to lead the anti – nepotism campaign.
  • My therapist says that running home to listen to ‘no new messages’ is a sign I am lonely. I don’t know… I have him as a friend.
  • I am a big fan of natural gas. As I get older it is becoming a bigger and bigger part of my life
  • Now a slave to the GPS’s moods. Every cold, disgusted ‘recalculating’ leaves me devastated.
  • There are just too many of us. Everyone seems to think there are too many of the other guys and just the right amount of us. But they are thinking the exact same thing.
  • Announcing the soothsayer’s annual gala dinner. If you need to ask when and where, you don’t belong.
  • They told me I would emerge from the seminar a new man. Didn’t work. I would recognize that body odor anywhere.
  • Their slogan said ‘expect the unexpected’. I did. Nothing happened. Which is what I expected…
  • Our marketing department are onto an undiscovered market niche. Sleeping bags for camels. Finally we have a chance of cornering the market.
  • Our group is right and everyone else is wrong. If you are in my group and still think I am wrong… then guess what… you are not in my group either
  • My eyeglass prescription expired yesterday. Now I can’t see a thing.
  • My current project is a pill that grows fur on your tongue. That way you can brush whenever you like.
  • The policeman claimed that in a 50 miles an hour zone I was going 78 miles an hour. I assured him I was only planning on driving half and hour.
  • The one reason I want to get swine flu is to pass it on to all those mosquitoes. Get back at them after all these years.
  • My theory is that all conspiracy theorists secretly work for the government
  • Got a letter from a Nigerian general. ‘Send me the information of your bank account. I want to empty it’, I appreciate the fresh, honest approach. That is a scam I can work with.
  • My therapist asked me how worried I was about my inferiority complex. -‘Less than other people would be’
  • I went to sleep feeling safe. The paper band on the hotel toilette said ‘put here for your protection’. Let’s see anyone try to harm me now.
  • The sign said ‘Disabled Parking’ but it looked perfectly fine to me.
  • I am a vegetarian. I’m just not very good at it.
  • Just received a letter from France. It said ‘Just stop it already. Please’
  • After figuring out the best cell phone plan, getting unlimited text messages, a really fast Internet connection, three email accounts and skype, I realized I have absolutely no one to write to. Still, what a deal
  • Just back from the zoo. I was amazed to spot an elephant shaped like a cloud.
  • Here is why it is really important to stay focused and tend to things immediately… Aw.. never mind.
  • The patent office rejected my ice to water process patent application. Prior art they claimed.
  • Had this dream where all the relatives of every animal I ever ate, were waiting outside my door to take revenge. When I woke up I realized that was silly, We ate the relatives too.
  • I’m shooting for achievable goals. Next week’s target… don’t annoy Finland.
  • When one person behaves this way we call it obsessive compulsive disorder. When many do, we call it religion.
  • I know every one of us can think of people that should be excluded from democracy because they are just wrong.
  • Doing my part in fighting the swine flue. Ripped out Piglet from all our Pooh books.
  • The two things that are preventing me from becoming a great philanthropist: Lack of money and a mild dislike of the human race.
  • Without our stuff we would be nothing. Our lives revolve around wanting stuff, getting stuff, organizing it, and getting rid of it. And it never even cares about us.
  • Spilled some milk today. I cried. Who made up that stupid rule anyway?
  • Turns out you can eliminate swine flu altogether by flossing. The problem is getting the pig to stand still.
  • Thinking of getting a split personality. Having just one FaceBook status at a time is just too limiting.
  • The email server notified me they are keeping my password but want to replace me.
  • When I am happy, the world is a better place. That’s why it is important that everyone see to it that I am happy. Not for my sake, but for the general good.
  • My grease stained T shirt developed a conspicuous clean spot, making it embarrassing to go out with.
  • Dreams are just practice runs so that we know what to do when we bump into the real thing.
  • Slept like a baby last night. Now have to somehow clean the bed.
  • Putting the finishing touches on my latest book ‘single pixel compositions’. (A free pixel is included for reader experiments)
  • Don’t you just hate it when people are constantly texting and on their phones and ignore real life. Ooops got to go, that’s my exit.
  • It’s not that I am not a visionary. It’s just that my vision is for things that already happened.
  • Thinking about anxiety. It is natural, renewable and compared to other natural resources, it multiplies the more people there are. You see… there is cause for optimism
  • I’m not that old. I just seem that way.
  • My dentist just told me that he has been practicing for the past 24 years. I’m thinking if he still didn’t get it maybe he should try something else.
  • I thought it was my inner voice, but it was the GPS again.
  • My temporary insanity defense plea was thrown out when they proved it wasn’t temporary.
  • Strangely enough. The same people who deny evolution… have been really successful avoiding it.
  • While driving around, I’ve started having conversations with my GPS. ‘How do you think I should improve my life?’ -‘Recalculating’ he always answers.
  • The excitement of new socks has been keeping me giddy all day.
  • My group hates xenophobes and anyone not from our group
  • Something is really wrong with my camera. People in my pictures are so much happier looking than in the actual events (though not as sharp).
  • Why am I the central character in all my thoughts? Why not give someone else a chance? Why so self centered? There I go again…
  • Managed to train our turtle to guard the house, and he is really diligent. He just notified me that someone tried to break into the garage last Tuesday.
  • My talking aspirin dispenser is giving me a headache.
  • The greatest advantage of space travel, and the reason I am so interested… No Mosquitoes
  • They asked me if I could possibly volunteer my time for the cause. I said sure. They can have November of 1992, I never really enjoyed it all that .
  • Gravity Deniers Unite!, meeting held on the 14th floor of the Marriott hotel. (please enter via the west side windows)
  • I just read that you can start a black hole by throwing a dehumidifier into the ocean. If you are still here on Tuesday… it didn’t work
  • Spend more than 90 seconds with a horse and he will poop cerimoniosly, no other animal has that tendency. That among other reasons is why people rarely bring their horse friends to restaurants.
  • To help out around the house, I put up a sign ‘slaves wanted, hard work, no pay, occasional food’. Do you think anyone responded? No. Nowadays it is all Me Me Me!
  • Stayed in the sun much too long today. My skin stayed on, but everything else peeled off
  • This morning I spent some time thinking whether I exist and if any of this is real. Then I switched to looking for the Corn Flakes.
  • Yesterday was a slow day, so I spent it running outside and waving to the sky, then quickly running back and seeing if I can see myself in Google Earth.
  • My exhaustive research into classifying the natural world has concluded. The findings are… Nature is divided into: grass, trees, things that bite you.
  • I always wanted a parrot. The only problem is that would completely ruin chicken nuggets for me.
  • The Geographic society has decided to adopt my exahstive classification of the natural world: grass, trees, things that bite you.
  • If there is a god paying attention and tracking everyone who is keeping Kosher and whether they put the right plate into the right cabinet…. He must be bored out of his mind.
  • I took out a good mood insurance policy, seemed like a good investment. Then last week I had a bad mood and put in a claim, they sent over an agent and a comedian to see if they can make me laugh. They suspected I was faking it.
  • My dog was so convinced that he was a person that he was starting to become cocky about it. ‘Fine’ I told him. ‘Next time I drive and YOU navigate’
  • I am organizing a ‘running with the kittens’ event for those of us who though adventurous, fail to see the benefit of having a bull horn puncture your kidney.
  • Now that the check I used for paying for the self help seminar bounced, they called and told me I can no longer do anything I put my mind to, and I can no longer be anything I want to be. At least until another form of payment is received.
  • As far as I remember, I don’t mind getting old.
  • Just back from a self help seminar. It was great! I can do anything I put my mind to! I can be anything I want to be! Currently working on becoming taller.
  • One huge step for me. Not even noticed by mankind
  • This time we are getting rich. Here is how it works. We rent out our teeth as advertising space. Evey time we smile we get paid 13 cents by Google.
  • I am coming to realize that my problems are quite unique. Other people’s problems, I find, with a little time, a good meal, I can overcome. But my problems are different. They tend to linger, are much more difficult for me to overcome. Maybe because I am such a complex person.
  • You know like how people like use the word like all the time, like to make a point or like explain something? I don’t like it.
  • I think I’ve found the ideal job for me. Maker up of product names for Ikea. I’ve started practicing: cutlery set:Knorg, Infant bed:Hopi, Bedside lamp:Fiorg (and the accompanying self standing version Fiorgi). This is fun.
  • Did anyone figure out what happened to all those missing stripes in corduroy?
  • Only 14% of people understand statistics and can maintain one coherent thought from start to finish. The other 23% tend to… Boy I’m hungry!
  • I discovered that humanity is divided into two. You who are reading this and the rest who I am not too interested in.
  • Sometimes my dreams are kind of dreary. I don’t mind that though. What I hate are the commercials.
  • An letter arrived today from the Nobel institute in Sweden informing me that a call from them will NOT be coming this year either and please refrain from calling in and ‘just checking’. I guess last year I was a bit aggressive…
  • Having received a huge amount of telemarketing calls, I finally broke down and signed up for a service that answers them for you. And so it happened that last Tuesday at 8:00pm Rajib in Bangalore ended up talking to himself.
  • How come when you look at yourself in the mirror and you wave your right hand, the guy in the mirror waves his left hand. But point up and the guy points up too? Could it be there is a bug in the mirror software?
  • In the third quarter this year I am planning on releasing a slue of new products among them: wireless t-shirt, vegetarian cucumber and natural air filled balloon. I think I am going to make a killing (there is also the fat free basketball, but I think that will not be ready in time).
  • My navigational t-shirt (patent pending) has been helping me out quite a bit lately. It is simple and yet some of the technical aspects are quite involved. On the front of the t-shirt there is a dot and a big friendly arrow. Below are the reassuring words ‘You are here’. Keeps me grounded.
  • What we need is a plan to create occupations for dogs. There are millions and millions of dogs. They sit at home and are bored out of their minds. If we could just create a purpose for them they would be more satisfied, our furniture would be in better condition and perhaps we could solve the energy crisis.
  • It was only a matter of time before the rat would catch up with him
  • I was just offered a job, being an extra in other people’s dreams. Should I take it?
  • In places abundant in fans, stay clear of shit.
  • I took this friend of mine to the opera. But the guy has no regard for culture. He forgot the popcorn and beer at home.
  • It is depressing that now that I have finally narrowed the gap between the way I imagine things will turn out and the way they actually do… I am considered a terrible pessimist.
  • The only problem with reincarnation is that you have to keep dying all the time.
  • Name a conflict in the world past or present that doesn’t have religion as part of the conflict…. Time’s up.
  • Me = My history – memory loss and senility + wishful thinking and fanciful embellishments.
  • The most important thing is that you have your health. That is, if you have enough money to make your good health tolerable.
  • I had this dream in which I went to the dentist, waited a really long time in the waiting room, read an amazingly boring article in Golf Weekly, had two fillings done, paid a lot of money and went home. You see… In America dreams do come true.
  • From the institute of diminished expectations. ‘One day I will reach a mediocre achievement. Maybe’
  • Our pilot said ‘well folks, I apologize for the delay at the gate, I will try and make up time over the Atlantic’. I think it is unfair that only airline pilots have that ability. I would like to make up some time too. For example I would add three days to last week and a year to when I was 26.
  • My new plan for air transportation is pod-planes. You get delivered a pod which you get into, luggage and all. They come and pick it up and place it with the rest of the pods on the plane. No lines, no security no nothing. It eliminates much anxiety and the possibility that the largest person in the world will be sitting next to you.
  • I frequently get offended when accused of being set in my ways and inflexible. And it’s not true either… Yesterday I wore my left sock on my right foot. Ha… showed them.
  • Luck, good coffee and satisfaction are just some of the things I am missing today.
  • A week ago I had this deja vu… or did I?
  • No one has yet identified the specific evolutionary step we took going from apes eating each other’s ticks to creatures who sell each other life insurance.
  • This morning I am trying to mix one part yesterday and one part tomorrow. I wonder if that is how you make a today.
  • Once again Obama completely shunned me. I wasn’t sure, but today I went over the transcript of the Egypt speech. Not one mention of me. That’s it… No more mister nice guy.
  • I just fed this giant mosquito. Giving him almost half of my blood was bad enough but worse were the burps he was producing as he was flying around. And he had trouble taking off.
  • I think therefore I am wrong
  • Everywhere I go… There I am. But I look older.
  • My fake book is truer than your fake book. I know this because my fake book says so.
  • My neighbor just agreed with me that my grass isn’t greener than his!
  • In my dream everyone around was a dentist. The whole world were dentists. That can’t be all bad I thought, and there will be plenty of magazines just laying around. Then I looked down and realized I was a tooth…
  • Constantly amazed at the wonderful ideas I come up with that others thought of first
  • Tomorrow I start writing my new book ‘beating procrastination’
  • I’ve just established the association for retroactive navigation whose Moto is: ‘you should have turned left’
  • They say you dream what you know. But come on… I’ve been dreaming of soup for three nights. Surely I know about other stuff too.
  • He thought it might turn out to be embarrassing to ask for help getting his head out of the dollhouse
  • It is only age and it will pass
  • Had this dream last night. In it my mixer broke down. I called technical support. They put me on hold, I was number 781 in line. I waited online for 4 hours. Then I woke up! I hope tonight I can pickup where I left off and won’t have to start the wait from the beginning…
  • Suddenly he realized the screams were his own
  • She was not sure if the other fish were as excited as her
  • I’m just back from the patent office! Invented this new concoction made of berries and old vinegar. When swallowed it grows whiskers on your tongue that way you can brush whenever you like! They said it was poisonous, but still…
  • I’ve just subscribed to this new service ‘status waiting’ so that while I am writing about my status and a new status suddenly shows up I can … Oops, hold on for a second
  • The problem is that our culture cherishes and encourages ambition and productivity. It is always get more, make more, have more. And this is destroying the planet. We should cultivate lethargy, apathy and disinterest. Our motto should be ‘don’t just do something. Stand there’
  • If everyone else isn’t having more fun than I am, then what’s going on? are they just pretending?
  • If a person from the third world sits on the third floor and writes about himself in the third person, does it even count?
  • If everyone else isn’t having more fun than I am, then what’s going on? are they just pretending?
  • I’m getting a little paranoid. Walked around town today, till I got to this map that said ‘you are here’. How did they know where I was??
  • Has anyone figured what this ‘real life’ is good for? Are any of you using it?
  • Is it just me or do you also think that the signs saying ‘walk’, ‘don’t walk’ are too assertive?
  • Turns out I am just Bob’s imaginary friend
  • Just been rejected from another job. Village Idiot. Overqualified they said
  • Etan Rozin is single-handedly responsible for saving several endangered species of mosquitoes from extinction. A plaque was put up in his honor.
  • How do they do it? Have you ever looked at a soccer ball. It is sewn from the inside. Is that even possible?
  • I was just fantasizing that I lead a super sports team. we win everywhere we go. we are unbeatable. Then they threw me off the team.
  • As Robinson Crusoe used to say ‘Why do I have to do everything around here?’
  • Design is what happens when you aim for chaos and fail miserably.
  • I think someone is messing with me. The milk I bought said it would expire on Friday. But when I checked… It was still there!
  • Yesterday I picked up some nose drops at the pharmacy. The pharmacist asked me if I had any questions. I said yes. ‘will ever find happiness?’
  • With all this Swine flu business. Changes will have to be made. I am cutting way down on my breakfast Pork Flakes and minimizing my swine wine intake
  • Last Saturday I walked around telling everyone it was only Thursday. I wanted to seem younger.
  • My idea is that teeth would replace themselves every 5 years. You would get a note in the mail, ‘stay home on Wednesday’. And that’s it. New teeth.
  • The truth is that we were just kidding when we invented God. Now he can’t take a joke.
  • My worries are over! This general’s daughter from Nigeria is going to send me 6.8 million dollars next Tuesday. How lucky is that?
  • My institute that has dedicated itself to the research of artificial intelligence, has finally given up in frustration. We are now going to concentrate on natural stupidity.
  • I am abandoning my life long research into artificial intelligence, and will now concentrate on natural stupidity
  • I am looking to discover a new planet hitherto unknown to human kind. It should be habitable and have nice cloud formations. Barring that, I would kill for a new salad dressing
  • Got a letter from the government. Turns out I am the most average person in the country. From now on all decisions will be made by asking me.
  • Woke up from this terrible dream. My life was flashing before my very eyes. Then I realized. This isn’t my life. First of all they were all Chinese. And second, my life doesn’t have commercials.
  • If life is no picnic, what’s with the sandwiches all the time?
  • I’m a little confused. Our mail is picked up by a mailman who is a female. Now what happens if I need to send in a fee by mail? Will the female mailman mail the fee?
  • How can this be a mid-life crisis if I’ve had three before? It doesn’t compute
  • Change is a wonderful thing. Mostly I like it to happen in other people
  • It’s my inferiority complex again. I am thinking of seeing a shrink. There is one that comes highly recommended. But am I good enough for him?
  • Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for me.
  • where I live there is only one person per capita
  • How come the instant you get upgraded to business class, everyone else immediately becomes so inferior?
  • When the time comes, I want to die in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
  • In the supermarket. Everything I am looking for is in another isle…
  • I am thinking that if all else fails I can always be used as a model for the ‘before’ photo in ‘before and after’ ads
  • מכין שירים לסדר לאתאיסטים. בינתיים יצא: אפס מי יודע
  • If an experience you have is not observed in your facebook status, did it really happen?
  • I am switching therapists. He told me it wasn’t an inferiority complex. I was just inferior. But will I be good enough for the new one?
  • Just caught my cell phone and my land line having phone sex. Very disturbing.
  • I was thinking of doing some multitasking today. But something else came up
  • My other status notice is clever
  • Five short days to prepare for the weekend.
  • The word ‘literally’ is literally misused literally 90% of the time
  • Trying to think of myself in the third person, but the other two keep getting in the way.
  • at the gym. They have a machine to exercise every part of your body, and I am exercising two fingers…
  • is it that hard to imagine me as a ballerina? Just checking
  • Now in 3D
  • Just met another three people who have never won the Nobel prize in chemistry. It’s a small world!
  • Murphy was an optimist..
  • If I could only remember what is on my mind
  • is now officially old. Everything he says should be treated with respect and awe. Recognizing his wisdom… Or not
  • I wasn’t planning on being depressed this birthday. But I might reconsider.
  • Etan Rozin’s theorem: the further you are from the beach the more likely are you to be certain the end of the world is upon us
  • Remembered he totally wasted three months in 1989. He wants them back
  • I am realizing. Another snow storm. Another shot illusion of control
  • Thinking everyone else’s status is so much more clever
  • Trying to not die. Lets see how long I can keep it up
  • Thinking that Evolution is what happens when god isn’t paying attention.
  • Amazed reality is so highly rated. Who uses it anyway?
  • Etan Rozin remembers thinking this exact same thought yesterday
  • Etan Rozin is trying to think but getting only gas.
  • Etan Rozin is very disappointed. After months of support Obama barely mentioned him in his speech (you have to read between the lines)!
  • Etan Rozin is very nervous. Will Obama mention me in his speech??
  • Etan Rozin is not sure he hasn’t fallen victim to identity theft. I keep refering to myself by a different name…
  • Thinking of procrastinating, too tired, I’ll start tomorrow
  • Etan Rozin is remembering history repeats itself. Wait! He thought that yesterday!
  • Etan Rozin is realizing reality is no example.
  • I think I am a reverse vampire. When I look into a mirror I see nothing but me.
  • We climbed to the top of the food chain for this??
  • Just discovered that my inner voice has a terrible accent
  • had another dream in which the subtitles where in a foreign language…
  • Thinking about Scratch. What is that wonderful material that people make so many things from.
  • Decided to put off starting to procrastinate till tomorrow
  • Noticing the thrill of new underwear is wearing off.
  • Etan Rozin no longer pretends like he has control over anything
  • Etan Rozin is thinking why next year will be better than this one… and is totally stumped
  • Etan Rozin is enjoying a fresh change of underware now that some of the luggage arrived. never fly Alitalia
  • Etan Rozin is worried. He never appears in any of his dreams
  • Etan Rozin is thinking. If I could just sell snow… my problems would be over.
  • Etan Rozin is thinking that even the pope enjoys a good burp once in a while
  • no one is totally useless. you can always be a bad example.