• I read that in the Mayan cookbook the last recipe is chicken soup. Damn! I just made chicken soup. Now the world is going to end.
  • The plan changes. My book “good things that happened in 2011” will be printed instead on the back side of my business card.
  • My doctor is treating my hypochondria with Placebos. Anyone have any experience with this. Can it be taken with alcohol?
  • If you are not exactly like me, who are you to deserve my sympathy?
  • This is what I call planning. The driver in front of me has been signaling left for the past 20 minutes. This guy knows where he is going.
  • I think I’ve been replaced my an exact replica of myself except the new me is aware of this scheme.
  • My series of Hello Kitty family coffins have been less successful than I had anticipated.
  • Saw the baby changing area at the airport and decided to take our baby and change him into an espresso machine. Tomorrow.
  • I was always one to grab life by the horns, and ask it to come back a bit later.
  • In a surprise ruling religious women all over the world have been unanimously granted second rate citizenship!
  • My joy over the demise of Kim Jong-Il was somewhat dampened when I realized I would probably never again see that ‘Shit Happens’ t-shirt he borrowed from me.
  • הצעה לחיווי פייסבוק חדש. אוהב, אבל ככה ככה. אוּלייק
  • More and more I find myself starting sentences and then suddenly…
  • I’m a vegetarian. Just not exclusively.
  • Yes you too believe in the existence of the flying spaghetti monster. But you believe he has red sauce. So I hate you.
  • Turned my brain off for the weekend. Now I can’t remember how to turn it back on
  • It’s been two weeks since I started the ‘occupy my bathroom’ movement. So far… Very little press coverage.
  • The problem with people… Too many moving parts
  • I heard there is a huge brain drain happening. It sounds like a great idea to me. Anyone know where I can get one?
  • Went to Ikea in search of a new personality. But Everything they had required some assembly.
  • They said I was disconnected from the times when I suggested faxing meals to the poor. Fine. Have it your way. We can email them.
  • If you have a sign that you do not sign, it is an unsigned sign. Will it just go poof and disappear? These things bother me.
  • The reason I am not competitive is that it is just too much work.
  • You don’t find success it finds you. HELLO…. I’M HEEEERE!…
  • My dentist said that without me it just wouldn’t be the same.
  • The part I don’t like about reincarnation is the endless dying.
  • Drooling is so easy, even a baby can do it.
  • The only reason I am a pessimist is that all other approaches are doomed to fail.
  • Did all the people at the time get together and decide to call their era the middle ages? What were the other options?
  • I sit and stare at the wall. It’s a vicious circle. Or maybe I don’t understand that expression.
  • We instead went with a regular fence and an invisible dog.
  • My trick of imagining my students in pyjamas so as not to be intimidated by them was foiled by them showing up in pyjamas.
  • Considering sending in that article to asshole weekly. Though I don’t know if I am up to their standards.
  • I think I’ve inadvertently just solved the age old dilemma. The glass is half empty.
  • I decided to completely remove pedophilia from my Resume. I don’t think it was giving me the effect I was looking for.
  • I stopped paying taxes. Now if the country is attacked… I’m the designated hostage.
  • Just realized that in the middle ages they didn’t have email yet. Their text message bills must have gone through the roof.
  • My dream is to be bought by an elephant. I always wanted to belong to something larger than myself.
  • I saw this ‘Baby Changing Station’ at the airport. It is about time someone did something about them… They are noisy little buggers.
  • I’m starting to see the mind-body connection. Whenever I look at my body and I get depressed.
  • Shocked! I just read something on the Internet that simply isn’t true!
  • I used to be a disgruntled employee. But since things are better. I am now gruntled.
  • Know thyself. But please… not on the bus.
  • I now realize I’ve been suffering for years from Highway Sign Syndrome (Food, Gas).
  • Just been invited to my first stoning. So excited! What does one wear?
  • My job seems to be translating food for my toilet.
  • I realize that I am somewhere between a philosopher and a bimbo. Pondering the state of the human conditioner.
  • It looks like and duck and it quacks like a duck. What the hell could this thing be?
  • I just realized I can increase my productivity dramatically by working.
  • I’m glad I’m not Alexander the great. Can you imagine the performance anxiety that goes with that last name.
  • The Nobel committee said their decision was final and please stop calling them already. Maybe next year.
  • I think this metaphor symbolizes something else.
  • They speak a lot about friends, about companionship, about love. But not enough about soup.
  • My dream is to take a big crap and jump off a bridge. Create something that will last longer than I do.
  • I’m turning myself in for self abuse. If I don’t who will?
  • Just discovered! You can fool all of the people all of the time.
  • I’m turning myself in for self abuse. If I don’t who will?
  • Just discovered! You can fool all of the people all of the time.I’m worried. Checked the map. There was a big arrow saying ‘you are nowhere’
  • אני, יצאה לי חתימה בסדר. אבל נתקלתי באחרים עם חתימה מה זה מחורבנת. לא נעים
  • My predictions are always accurate. It’s reality that is messed up.
  • I think I’ve just come up with the killer app for poison!
  • I’ve ditched the preconceived notion that when going on vacation it is essential to have your luggage arrive with you. bourgeois notion.
  • Looked at myself in the mirror today. My Anorexia seems to be in remission.
  • One look at the hotel buffet and I understood why they named the country Greece.
  • Fed up with this year and its disappointments. Can’t wait to get to next year’s disappointments .
  • I wonder if bathing only once a year qualifies me as a Renaissance man. I’m thinking… yes.
  • I don’t know what they were so angry about. The sign said put nothing but toilet paper in the toilet.
  • 80% of life is filling out the paperwork.
  • When I was young I celebrated my enthusiasm. Now I celebrate my pessimism
  • Just got a message from my subconscious asking me to stop it already.
  • My non-prophet organization has no idea where it’s going.
  • Why me? Because someone has to do everything around here.
  • The league of superheros just rejected my membership application. Strange because I think I am unique in being able to read the mind of appliances.
  • The problem with the community I belong to, The Sociopaths, is that we have so few meetings.
  • Currently establishing the extreme camp of the ‘less is more’ movement. ‘Nothing is Everything!’ is what we believe. What am I doing to advance this concept? You know the answer to that.
  • We all burp and fart and pick our noses. Being cultured is pretending we don’t.
  • My standards have so diminished with the years that I even started accepting me the way I am.
  • Well on my way to achieving my lifelong goal of becoming obnoxious. Major strides have been made recently.
  • Tried to convince my dog to eat my homework. He wasn’t interested.
  • I think misunderstood something at my Feng Shui course. Now any time someone enters my room they throw up.
  • I’m over it now. But I used to be nostalgic and that was a really really wonderful time.
  • Banged my toe really badly. Now my body language has an accent.
  • I stopped paying taxes. Now I’m not allowed to use the traffic lights anymore.
  • I was asked not to return to my volunteer job on the suicide help line after I called to order pizza and the pizza guy killed himself.
  • I want to die doing what I love, like my grandfather and not screaming in terror like the people he was shooting from that roof.
  • I always knew I was a bit short. My dilemma is when to come out about it.
  • I spend 90% of my time pretending to be someone else. I don’t think it made much of a difference though, I think he is pretending to be me.
  • My game of strip solitaire wasn’t as much fun as I had hoped bit would be.
  • Went to the pool today. My challenge was to figure out which species I belong to. Failed completely.
  • I tried this trick. For two weeks, whenever anyone talked to me, I nodded and thought of other things. Nobody noticed.
  • I decided to postpone my nervous breakdown this year because of budget cuts.
  • Life is to short for us to be having a good time.
  • My AAA batteries have just been downgraded to AA+
  • I used to think only I was interested in all my aches and pains, but now that I’m older I realize everyone is fascinated by my aches and pains.
  • Turns out  that only 10 percent of me uses my brain.
  • Our dog is dogmatic and our cat is catatonic. I think they take themselves too literally.
  • You are wrong if you think the world won’t notice your absence. They’d have to find something else to use to illustrate insignificance.
  • I often find the truth just confuses matters.
  • Got a letter from the Internet today. There are only four more .com names left. Gqqelvvhloiiip-116.com is available! I’m thinking of taking it.
  • Power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely. I think I’m safe.
  • I think I was given second rate time. It seems not to last as long as the real thing.
  • Traveling has made me think. My location is totally dependant on where I am.
  • Ran into this mime today who couldn’t believe his good luck when he was actually trapped inside a glass box.
  • From a young age I knew my future would be in the mental health field. I always knew  I wanted to be neurotic.
  • Driving totally screws up your drinking.
  • When I look at us I realize that underneath the superficial differences we are all very different.
  • People are trying to figure out my ulterior motives. I’m trying to figure out my regular ones.
  • The real world called last night with a short message:”join us”. I’m considering.
  • My nostalgia used to be so much better than it is now.
  • Really happy about my life right now. There. Passed.
  • I had some doubts, but as long as music moves me so, I guess I’m still alive.
  • Just discovered the printer is suffering from chronic death syndrome.
  • There are some indications that I might not be as sane as I claim to be.
  • Just got a letter from the government asking me to be a bit more of a douchebag. ‘Remember, we’re all in this together’ they said.
  • Turns out all people who were born under the Sagittarius sign don’t believe in astrology.
  • Freedom of expression is now mandatory and citizens found not freely expressing themselves by Tuesday will be fined.
  • You learn something new every day. Today I learned that.
  • If someone invented a sink that could float. Now that would be a paradox…
  • I was living under the assumption that everything changes. But what if that rule changes too?
  • I just participated in the International Loser Competition. I won.  Can’t believe my bad luck.
  • For some reason, driving a tractor will totally make your cough medicine ineffectual so they ask you not to do both at the same time.
  • Join me for the attention deficit disorder organization’s annual meeti… ah screw it. Lets see what’s on now.
  • I sent an urgent message to convey in no uncertain terms that I’m indifferent.
  • I tricked myself into thinking that the elevator stays in place and the building goes up and down. I’m so gullible.
  • I don’t believe in luck. I make my own luck. Still haven’t figured out how to make good luck though.
  • The fact that I am human does not in the slightest add to my respect for humanity
  • My charm suddenly stopped working. Now everything that worked like a charm… Doesn’t.
  • Starting to suspect I might be a pessimist. Whenever I think a positive thought, I worry it might be causing brain damage.
  • I could do such wonderful things if I were a good person
  • It’s lucky we have religion, otherwise we’d have to make up nonsense to give us pretend meaning. Oh… Wait…
  • Mosquitoes! Even there mothers hate them.
  • Turns out our outsourcing is inefficient and we cannot compete. They even outsource much better in the far east.
  • Wondering if on my tax returns where it asks about dependents I should mention the Mosquitos
  • He thought he was complementing us when he said we looked like sisters. But neither me or my grandfather took it very well.
  • My robot was in love he said she autocompletes him.
  • I was aiming to be the world’s least ambitious person, but now I’ve given up on that.
  • Does anyone happen to know the success rate of the end of the world predictions up till now?
  • I read that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. I am now on my third breakfast.
  • I thought we had it bad until I learned that cannibals struggle with an edible complex.
  • I don’t like common sense. I’m looking  for something a bit more exclusive.
  • These selfish people are  starting to get on my nerves. They never stop for a moment and ask themselves what they can do for me.
  • The rapture didn’t arrive? Well… Its not the end of the world.
  • I’m on a mission to change the world. Make it a more boring place
  • After spraining my ankle in two places I decided to avoid those places from now on.
  • Scientists discover a parallel universe where there are no kittens and as a result the Internet has only 14 web pages.
  • As I suspected… In real life, I’m shorter
  • I’m hoping that changing my autobiography to a pop-up book will present me as a more three dimensional character.
  • We like to think we are in control but are just slaves to the real decision makers. Germs. They are everywhere.
  • I’ve discovered how it is that us and mosquitos share over 95% of our DNA. They come and collect it every night.
  • My sports teacher was disappointed that my desire to be a bodybuilder was less like Schwarzenegger and more like Frankenstein.
  • I’m starting to think that adding those ‘Scratch & Sniff’ pages to my autobiography might have been in bad taste.
  • I spent this weekend catching mosquitoes and spraying them with insect repellent, let them feel what I go through.
  • Arrrg! Tried to leave a suicide note on my phone. Autocomplete changed it to “Good smile krill cordless”. I’m sticking around a bit longer.
  • Missed another ‘defeating your laziness’ session.  Didn’t get up on time.
  • Ever notice that anyone who says looks don’t matter is amazingly handsome.
  • Totally bummed for missing the wedding. I marked it on a big note on the fridge, prepared a nice present and completely forgot… Bummer.
  • Ever notice that anyone who says looks don’t matter is amazingly handsome.
  • Seeing the carrot in my ear the doctor said he thinks I’m not eating properly
  • If Big brother is watching me. Big brother must be bored out of his mind.
  • Stationary stores always have a big sign advertising the fact that they are not going anywhere. Is that such a big deal?
  • I bet I am much less competitive than you.
  • It’s not that I dislike children, It’s that I dislike what they become later.
  • Is it just me or is everyone crazy? Never mind. I checked. It’s just me.
  • If you are going to live out your fantasies, you need to fantasize first.
  • I’m aging gracefully. I now say I am sorry every time I forget something.
  • I guess I am into GUI for too long. I was wondering why the restaurant didn’t have a pull-down menu.
  • I know I’m getting old. Now make up sex is sex I make up.
  • The pain of existence is now confined only to the area of my body.
  • I was getting all excited anticipating the spring sale. But then while driving over I started thinking. How many springs do I actually need?
  • I’m starting to think that the reason my job search has not been that successful is the length of the Fetishes section in my resume.
  • I know I am getting old. Now when I say I got lucky last night I mean… no heartburn.
  • Someone must have had a very sick sense of humor to invent chopped liver.
  • This year I’m celebrating Inhibitions Day by doing nothing in a cold dark room, talking to no one. How about you?
  • I must be getting old. Being mean is not as much fun as it used to be
  • By reading this status you are acknowledging that you agree with my point of view. Reading this next sentence binds you to agree with me in the future. Got you.
  • Trying with all my might to be different; I insisted on fitting the cookie mold.
  • Yesterday old people everywhere issued an apology for existing. ‘it just happened…’ they said,  ‘It’s nobody’s fault’
  • People are dying less as it is recently discovered there is no money in it.
  • The solution to most of my problems is to project confidence. I’m just not sure how to do that.
  • I’m fooling everyone today by telling them it is not April fools day. Suckers
  • Since I couldn’t find any paparazzi around this week, I had to ambush myself as I came out of the shower.
  • Tried to join the outsiders club. But they told me I don’t belong
  • My new pants design feature a no fly zone.
  • You never really hear flies burp. I wonder why that is.
  • Bus drivers really perfected the integration of their work with their commute.
  • The good news is that I do everything equally well. The bad news is that doesn’t set the bar very high.
  • The doctor said that if I take a little more vitamin D, I will appear less blurry in photographs.
  • I was always one to grab life by the horns, and doze off.
  • It looks like my career is taking a turn for the better. They called me from the modeling agency, they like what they see and are looking for someone for those ‘Before’ model shots!
  • Scientists discover that the effects of climate change are  felt even by people who don’t believe in climate change.
  • Bad memory is really the only remedy for bad memories.
  • I feel pasta doesn’t get the credit it deserves in movies. Sex always appears more than pasta. Where in real life it is exactly the opposite.
  • My trick to achieving everything I put my mind to is to put my mind to very little.
  • After 55 years I was hoping my inner voice would become a little more mature. But alas… No. In fact it is throwing a tantrum as we speak.
  • As of today, I’ve been in the process of dying for the past 55 years. This isn’t bad. I could get used to it.
  • Perspectives change rapidly. No earthquake or tsunami here today. I consider this a great day!
  • When I was young I was a little behind in my work. Now that time has gone by, my behind is much larger.
  • Applied to this cool sounding job ‘Eternal Youth position’. Finally turned it down when I found out it was for age two.
  • Using their sophisticated algorithms, the first hackers, the Vikings, hacked into almost anything with their axes.
  • Why people need to invent a boring supernatural when the natural is so super fascinating, is beyond me.
  • To blend in with the new world economy, I am now pretending to be Chinese. nín hǎo.
  • Just realized that God, Fairies and the Flying Spaghetti Monster have exactly the same chance of actually existing. Unfortunate! Because I always wanted to meet the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
  • Science is currently obsessed with proving that superstition actually works.
  • It’s getting worse! I started by lying about my age. But now I am also lying about my height.
  • Bummer. I’m now completely awake.  Lost all pretenses for claiming I’m not.
  • My movie the black schvantz. Didn’t do as good as I expected at the Oscars.
  • Just completed writing the user manual for the famous program ‘hello world׳. Hello world for dummies. Available everywhere.
  • It troubles me that all I have are my own thoughts. Seems very biased.
  • In the middle of filming the story of my life I noticed there was no camera and realized that since 1964 I was just pretending to be someone else.
  • Since I am lying about my age, what does that do to my horoscope?
  • Discovered that reality isn’t all it was cracked up to be. Looking for alternatives.
  • The institute for disposable principles is looking for highly motivated individuals who decided to do absolutely nothing.
  • I’ve completely switched from real medicine to placebos. I’ve also left my doctor and am following the advice of Dr. Suess. Feeling great (except that cat in my hat)
  • I think something is broken. I keep thinking of myself in the first person.
  • If only these walls could talk… We’d have one hell of a boring story.
  • All my life I’ve been searching for the fairer sex, but all I bump into are men and women.
  • Scientists discover that earthquakes have total disregard for the optimism of the area residents.
  • Practice makes perfect. Except for Kamikaze pilots.
  • Is this  a double standard or what? When a poem is touching this is a good thing, but when my cousin Bruno is accused of constantly touching… Not so good.
  • Bad news. I just heard you are only as old as you feel.
  • My superstition is more powerful than yours. My superstition is more powerful than yours. My superstition is more powerful than yours.
  • Trouble. Nature called, but the line was busy.
  • Ha! And they call it a smartphone. I just had to decide what to do with my life… all on my own.
  • I feel it’s unfair that I’m being discriminated against. If it were not for incompetence, that job would’ve been mine!
  • I’m working on work substitute pill. Take one of those and you feel like you worked a full day. Just without the income. Do you think there is a market for this?
  • You reach a point in your life when you don’t care if anyone calls to see how you’re doing. At least that’s what I’m told.
  • Just so I don’t have to admit having no control at all, I’ve decided to adopt the rule that whatever happens… happens. Lets see if I’m wrong now!
  • Just realized that a falling piano has equal probability of falling on someone thinking optimistic thoughts.
  • Humanity is currently breeding for religiosity, conformity and poverty. The resulting breed will be ultra religious, total conformists, and incredibly poor. Way to go humanity!
  • I finally figured what I am really good at… Changing my mind. Or not.
  • The events in the world have totally mobilized us. The Movement for Personal Convenience is meeting on Tuesday to start the revolution. (If there is nothing good on TV)
  • A sunrise is total proof that we are the center of the universe, anyone who doesn’t see that is a complete, unscientific idiot. The fact that the sun makes the extra special effort to be in the right place, at the right time, is proof enough for me.
  • I’m thinking ahead, working on my autobiography so far this is what I have: he was born, he died. I feel it still needs a middle part.
  • I think bathing just once a month classifies me easily as a Renaissance man.
  • I think the restaurant we went to had the same motto as my cell phone company. ‘no service’.
  • Drove past the most useless road sign in the world: ‘Beware of falling rocks’
  • אין לי מזל. אריאלה ממפעל הפיס התקשרה. הודיע לי שאני חייב להם 300 אלף שקל!
  • I’m not saying don’t be a stranger. I’m saying be a stranger that comes over and helps with the dishes.
  • My latest book. ‘It doesn’t have to be hard. Procrastinating made easy’.
  • Slavery is a good example of your perspective being totally different as a result of the role you play.
  • My new App will allow you to share your scream with 5 other participants. (a first in scream sharing).
  • Just remembering how my mom used to walk in when I was in the bath, telling me how adorable it was that I named all the duckies, then saying it was time to wrap it up because they called and I was needed at the office.
  • Is there a name for this syndrome?  In the middle of cursing I invariably insert various accounting terms.
  • If the cable holding the elevator broke and as you were hurtling towards the ground in the elevator, just before you hit bottom, you jumped up as high as you could. Would you be OK? Would that save you?  I worry about these things.
  • To ward off the fans I walked around today incognito. Big glasses and a droopy hat. It seemed to work I was left alone most of the time.
  • Amazing discovery. Scientists discover that asking ‘are we there yet?`’ repeatedly does in fact shorten the trip.
  • I’m a bit worried. After reading that scientists can collect amazing amounts of information from brain waves, I spent an hour in front of the mirror. Bad news.  I don’t think my brain waves…
  • Went to the sauna today and it was a bit uncomfortable. A few of the guys there were trying to picture me with my clothes on.
  • There is a lot of evil in this world besides religion. But religion is the most consistent.
  • Typical. When I told my parents I had decided to pursue a career in  cannibalism, they were less than supportive. They always tried to push me in the direction of their own dreams…
  • A few days ago I just wasn’t feeling myself, then yesterday I was, but they came and told me I can’t do that on the bus.
  • For our friend Judie’s birthday we went to this great show put on by deaf and blind actors. It made me think… with no vision or hearing… On what do you base your prejudices.
  • Huge strides have been made recently in emotional alchemy. It is now possible to transform guilt into apathy using just normal denial !
  • I don’t get the optimism. The silver lining is what?… 2% ? The rest is all cloud.
  • Yesterday I almost had a good idea, but I caught it in time.
  • The scientist said I can blame most of my intelligence problems on my pants, or something like that. I don’t get it.
  • Why obsess endlessly about your troubles when you could just as easily obsess over mine?
  • OK. You convinced me. There is a god. But how do we know there is only one?
  • My grandfather always said “look to the tree for the frog is never late” we never understood my grandfather.
  • My resolution for the coming year is to abandon all previous resolutions. Too much baggage…