• My New Years resolution. Try not to be too predictable this year. ( I knew I would say that).
  • I just don’t know how humanity can possibly top the achievement of Gangnam Style in 2013.
  • Life is like a chicken sandwich. Especially if you are a chicken.
  • This is not a good sign. I had a near death experience, my life flashed before my eyes and I dozed off.
  • In my quest to classify myself, I realized that my style is post interesting.
  • I urge you to not be disappointed when nothing happens on December 21. It’s not the end of the world you know.
  • I suspect the calendar on our fridge is Mayan. It too ends on December 2012. Coincidence? I don’t think so…
  • Just to check things out I chopped up my pen up with a sword. I had the feeling that was total nonsense.
  • After a weekend at a forced happiness camp I am now allowed be grumpy again without a group of overly cheerful  teenagers singing at me.
  • If the Mayans are wrong, I really have to rethink my retirement plan
  • I find toothpaste is unfairly biased towards people with white teeth
  • Until that piano fell from the second floor I made a decision to be happy today.
  • I find toothpaste is unfairly biased towards people with white teeth.
  • Things change. It used to be that In bad days I’d get into bed and feel sorry for myself. I’m no longer that way. Now i can do it anywhere.
  • He just noticed that if he thinks of himself in the third person things are less painful
  • This is embarrassing. Not only did my biographer not start an affair with me… She kept falling asleep when I told her my quaint anecdotes.
  • If I am one with the universe, why can’t it do the dishes for a change?
  • My system was completely validated today. Walked all the way to the supermarket on the yellow tiles only, and when I finished shopping I was first in line at the cashier!
  • My secret to achieving everything I desire is nearly no ambition.
  • After years, I finally have the body of my dreams. And all it took was a quick ride to the morgue.
  • I’ve just been diagnosed with the opposite of bipolar disorder. They are calling it ASYEA (Are We Sure You Are Even Alive).
  • I’ve learned my lesson, but still I think there should be a sign “No enemas while driving”
  • Turns out it wasn’t my inner voice. It was the radio. Now I am stuck with all this stuff.
  • I was just told that what’s important is what’s on the inside. And that is supposed to cheer me up??
  • I spilt some milk. I cried. I know… it’s not done.
  • My lack of exercise is causing my body language to develop an accent.
  • I was almost in the right place at the right time but then I got lost and was late.
  • I am now working on a new methodology called Gnürga. It is a series of yoga exercises that when completed. The item you bought at Ikea is assembled.
  • My homeopathic medicine claims to be stronger the less of it you take. I’m afraid to overdose by not taking any of it at all.
  • By adjusting my dreams, I’ve finally achieved the body of my dreams.
  • Obviously, the makers of that stupid movie completely didn’t get the gentle, peaceful nature of Islam,
  • I’m going to have myself checked tomorrow… Something is wrong. I don’t have an overwhelming urge to go and buy the new iPhone.
  • Ha! showed them. They thought they were stealing my identity. But I was not myself that day.
  • Yay! I was told I’m the sharpest pencil in the refrigerator.
  • How do we even know people drank coffee before there were camera phones?
  • Confused… They call themselves Armani, but when I bought something they asked for my money.
  • I think something is wrong. I keep pressing the Escape key, but it doesnt help. I’m still stuck here.
  • If I am one with the universe, why can’t it assemble the thing I bought at Ikea.
  • Lately all my dreams appear in Chinese. I starting to suspect they too have been outsourced.
  • I speak my mind because no one likes it when I speak my intestines.
  • You read me like an open book. Unfortunately I’m more like a brochure.
  • I am amazed at how much more interesting to me I am than anyone else. I wonder if its the same for other people, but then again, who cares?
  • Amazon will now deliver junk to you three days before you even knew it existed and a week before you realize it’s totally worthless.
  • I thought I hated passive aggressive until I bumped into active aggressive.
  • I just realized I can have a really satisfying burp without posting about it on twitter.
  • Good news, the time machine I ordered is ready.  Delivery will take place in 2803. Be at home in the morning, they said.
  • They said I should stop begging. That it is wrong. I beg to differ.
  • I’m not myself today. I think it might be an improvement.
  • Thinking of upgrading my bladder with WiFi. All this back and forth to the bathroom is getting to be annoying.
  • Don’t know what’s worse. That I felt insecure and wore a gas mask to work today, or that no one noticed.
  • I took a picture of a word today. Now I can’t decide what it’s worth…
  • I stopped to collect my thoughts. Unfortunately, the findings are not impressive.
  • It’s either “I know exactly what god wants and I’ll tell you what’s right and what’s wrong” or “God acts in mysterious ways, who knows his plans” but you can’t have both. Certainly not in the same paragraph…
  • I met this Nigerian millionaire window who was telling me how difficult it was for her to give her money away. People keep thinking it’s a scam.
  • Terrible day at my aromatherapy clinic. Killed another patient. Came to work with the wrong deodorant again
  • The biggest problem with living each day as though it were your last is when the actual last day arrives, the surprise is gone.
  • The biggest problem with living each day as though it were your last is when the actual last day arrives, it lacks the excitement that would otherwise be there.
  • I was thinking of writing an autobiography, but then again… How interesting can a car be?
  • Göernüg. The name of the piece that is left over in the plastic bag after you finish assembling something from Ikea.
  • I think I am not a good person. I would most definitely hurt a fly.
  • Neighbors say they simply cannot believe it. He always seemed like a serial killer. Who would have thought he was a nice guy.
  • A newly discovered Mayan search engine predicts the end of the world wide web
  • Today I was feeling squeamish but then I put him down and decided to concentrate on my work.
  • We have grown so insensitive. the middle ages billions of people have died. And we think nothing of it…
  • Judging from grandma’s reaction, the family reunion topless bungee jump wasn’t such a great idea.
  • It’s how old you are on the inside… That’s why it is so depressing.
  • Ironic. Just as my 12 year therapy was declared a total success, the FBI called to tell me that they had in fact been watching my every move.
  • Yesterday I almost invented something amazing, but then I took a nap instead.
  • I don’t know what the big deal is. Marriage and same sex were always somehow connected.
  • To keep it anonymous, I’m writing my autobiography in the fifth person.
  • I just called to say I’m indifferent.
  • I think my High-Five was a bit misunderstood at the funeral.
  • What does an ant feel when we step on it? I’m sensitive that way, in tune with every living being. This went through my mind as I was eating a steak at a restaurant.
  • The guy I bought a bagel from this morning would like to add me to his professional network on LinkedIn
  • My dream was always to be mediocre at something. Who knew I would be so good at it.
  • Living as if each day is my last left me with bad teeth, my taxes unpaid, many people pissed off, a constant hangover and strange looks because of that streaking incident.
  • I think I’m ready for the devious, cunning  world of espionage. Today at a meeting I said ‘nice to meet you’ and it wasn’t.
  • My new iPhone app will help you decide when during your flight you should go to the bathroom, taking away a major source of anxiety for modern man.
  • I started watching horror movies in reverse. So much more optimistic.
  • I have the feeling that next week the future is arriving.
  • My graphologist says he needs a few more checks as writing samples before he can give me a conclusive opinion.
  • Don’t be so self centered. How do you think the allergy feels to be having you every spring?
  • In order to add an exotic, international flair to my life I chose the Spanish option at the ATM.
  • I always thought people used the expression ” the remains of the day” figuratively. But then I just found them in the sink.
  • They say you should love yourself, but I find it very one sided.
  • If you can go to just one place before you die….Go to a really really far place.
  • Thinking of offering my new app to Facebook for 750 million dollars. Still need to decide what it does.
  • It’s a dilemma. What do you call a person who calls himself a hypocrite?
  • Today instead of being frustrated by by doing things badly I decided to do nothing at all
  • I change my opinion about many things. But not about Mosquitoes.
  • I used to be too self conscious but now I don’t care what I think.
  • Ok I’ve resigned myself to the fact that shit happens. The disappointment is when it turns out to be the highlight of my day.
  • The team that does my dreams is on vacation so I had to use non union guys. Got dreams with shoddy story lines and terrible lighting. Never again.
  • I fail my geometry test and I get all depressed. It’s a vicious circle.
  • Whether your motto for Passover is: ” They tried to kill us. They didn’t. Let’s eat”, or “It is the time to drive around with food to relatives”, or “Please let me survive this”, or “We will always remain free”… Have a good holiday!
  • Age brings with it a certain simplicity. A good bowel movement an I am having a great day.
  • If at first you don’t succeed, your secret is safe with me.
  • I was told I was egocentric. I think they are wrong but I can’t be bothered with what other people think.
  • The tests came back quite conclusive. I am an idiot savant. I asked them what my special talent was. They said they would get back to me.
  • I decided to surprise myself today by not finishing my sentan…
  • I have this dilemma. I just bought a lemon and it wasn’t defective. Is it still a lemon?
  • If there is one thing that really looks ridiculous it is a squirrel with a monocle.
  • His dream was to be a necro-proctologist. Specializing in dead ends.
  • Just got off the phone with Finland. They seem depressed.
  • The good thing about lacking imagination is that everything seems like its the best it could ever be.
  • If there is one thing I can’t stand it is really disgusting things.
  • I am told I can cure my agoraphobia by just going outside. I’ll take your word for it.
  • As usual I was about to change my mind but then for a moment I was happy with the mind I’ve got.
  • I wanted to thank everyone for all the birthday wishes. However since I am ignoring my birthday this year, I don’t know what you are talking about… Unfortunately, due to company policy, there can be no refunds, and these wishes cannot be used next year. Sorry.  I do want to thank all my true friends out there (the rest of humanity really) who ,in line with my sentiments, completely ignored my birthday this year (as they did every year). You have my undying gratitude!
  • After spending 3 hours on skype, I found out I was talking to the Skype test call
  • Good and bad news.  I won the agoraphobia championship, but now I’m afraid to go home.
  • What scares me about reincarnation is that I might be reincarnated as a virgin for a suicide bomber.
  • They are not clear about this.  Does anyone know? Can you recycle your plastic surgeons?
  • My therapist said I don’t have to come over for sessions any more. She will go over my Facebook status, respond on Twitter, charge me on Paypal.
  • At the end of my session at the fortune teller she gave me my fortune with a cookie in it.
  • Sluts all over are protesting that comparisons to Sandra Fluke are ruining their reputation.
  • I looked everywhere but could find no horoscope for people born under the stop sign.
  • What a world! All my prayers have been answered. Most of the answers were ‘no’, but still…
  • Having problems coordinating? Our company will create a flash mob for one just for you!
  • I defy convention. My old dog learned new tricks, and I just forgot how to ride the bicycle.
  • You know I like your body close to mine but we really should get rid of them before the police arrives.
  • I think I am definitely not as self centered as other people. Though, I haven’t checked other people yet.
  • Wine really helps my cooking. I heard it can also be put in the food.
  • As part of an effort of keeping an open mind, I’m trying to adjust my position on carrots. But at the end they are still carrots.
  • I know they say I’m a contrarian. But I’m not.
  • Our new ring of intellectual prostitutes will, for a fee, blow your mind.
  • Whenever I try to put my brain in neutral, it slips into reverse
  • Even though breakfast was complimentary, I didn’t believe a word it said
  • Just wrote my teacher from grade school who kept insisting I had potential… There is nothing quite like saying “I told you so”
  • I am totally against spanking children. I find them the worst kind and difficult to control.
  • Since I never had a real ladder when I was young, when I was older I was given a stepladder.
  • I keep getting the dates wrong on those flash mobs. This causes many awkward moments for me at train stations.
  • Just got a call from the third person asking me to stop referring to myself as him.
  • Launching the Etan awareness campaign next week. Are you ready?
  • My craving for cabbage has finally subsided. That cabbage patch really does work!
  • My new diet is based on anxiety. It’s there. Why not put it to good use? I worry that it’s not working.
  • Heard this radio program about mail bonding and decided to try it myself, but gluing my letters to each other didn’t do too much for me.
  • The problem with work is that it’s just too much work.
  • I looked up Wikipedia on Wikipedia. It blushed.
  • You try to be nice and they just make it difficult! Went to the hospital to donate an organ. You can’t believe how many questions they had about where I got it.
  • My horoscope said this would be a good week for free will.
  • Sometimes it really rhymes and other times not at all.
  • I really, really want to say something. Just not sure what.
  • The existence of excrement is not in question. (classing up an old saying)
  • Angry Nigerians are out in the streets protesting that so many of their national treasures are just given away to people over the Internet.
  • I’m suggesting a new line of Hp printers called ‘iJam’. Just more honest.
  • Gained more respect for our dog ever since I discovered most of what he does is pro bono.
  • They say I have the body of a 17 year old, which is strange because I really tried to cover my tracks.
  • Old is the new young. Or so I am hoping.
  • I may have been overly optimistic in declaring this a midlife crisis.
  • My therapist comforted me by saying that I was not hallucinating, my feeling of inadequacy was reality based
  • Just realized, if I go to bed without my glasses, I have blurry dreams.
  • Anything you can do I can do ronger
  • Depressed I broke down and bought a bra. But it too did not give me the support I was looking for.
  • Bummer. I finally figured out what I want to be when I grow up. But now I forgot.
  • ועכשיו הם גם רוצים לשלוח לאחורי האוטובוס את אלה להם חייבים כסף. הדרת נושים
  • Ahmadinejad feels like this relationship is not going anywhere, ‘can we talk about something except nuclear arms already?’
  • Am I lucky or what? The numbers speak for themselves. Out of 7.2 billion people on the planet, only a tiny fraction even consider contacting me. But a third of those are Nigerian widows wanting to make me rich!