• It’s really unfair. 99% of humanity are giving the rest of us a bad name!
  • I spent three hours at the supermarket today choosing toothpaste. Couldn’t decide if it should be more refreshing, whitening or good for the environment. I feel bad. At the end I compromised. These things are hard.
  • My new book aims to teach anyone to be a dummy. It’s called ‘Dummy for Dummies’. Catchy.
  • My newly developed virus works on the honor system, and respects you as a person. Please delete all files from your computer and send this to 50 of your friends. Peace.
  • I’m afraid humanity is not going to go for all these new electronic books. Much harder to burn.
  • With the holidays and the new year here, I am begging you to please don’t start any new religions this year. We have enough. God bless.
  • I’ve been exposed on WikiLeaks! Turns out that last year I twice said ‘good morning’ when it was not a good morning at all…
  • One small step for man. One huge step for… ouch… where did that come from?
  • I have this trick, I substitute ‘focused’ for ‘self centered’ and ‘highly motivated’ for ‘selfish’. Makes me seem like a better person.
  • To maintain peace at home I’ve invented a toilet seat that is always half up half down.
  • בינתיים לפחות, חל איסור מוחלט להשכיר דירות לרבנים ראשיים.
  • The experiences of the weekend greatly contributed to my autobiography and it now spans both sides of the page.
  • I just figured out that to solve many of humanity’s problems we simply need a device that can make one thing out of the other. Water from garbage. Food from sand. Ok someone now just needs to go and build it. I can’t be expected to do everything around here!
  • Currently working on ‘The making of’ section of my life.
  • They said not to worry many other people are also self centered. I don’t know… I never noticed them.
  • I am pretending to be smarter by not saying too much and by trying to drool less.
  • I’m really excited. I have this idea for a new app for the Internet. You search for something and this program finds things on the Internet relating to that subject. I just hope no one thought of it before me.
  • I used to have a heart of gold but I am trading it in. Too much trouble with security at the airport.
  • My repressed memories are complaining that due to my advancing age I am totally forgetting about them.
  • I know that my point of view is the absolute truth. Why would I believe it if it were not?
  • I’m glad my parents finally decided not to send me to the Naval academy. What’s the point of  studying only about one tiny orifice?
  • In jazz, like in going to the bathroom, you never know exactly how it will turn out
  • Tried superstition for a while. Now I am back to religion. Better food.
  • Left is the side for the west of us
  • Turns out you can have pretty amazing sex on your own. It’s the conversation afterwards that sucks.
  • About five years ago, I was walking down the street when a person approached me and asked me what time it was. Coincidence? I don’t think so. Destiny!
  • To correct people’s perception of me, I decided to lie about my height.
  • I’m devastated. I’ve been poring over the WikiLeaks documents all night. Not one mention of me. Do I even exist?
  • I’m switching from religion to superstition. There is more evidence to back it up.
  • Rare recording of Orville Write found. As his plane was just reaching cruising altitude he is heard to yell out “chicken or beef?”. I guess that is where it all started.
  • תחת תחת תחת. תשובת התורה לפגיעה יותר דרומית
  • I just realized that if I play my thoughts backwards. They actually make sense!
  • I was just standing there. Not on the phone, not reading email, not sending a text message, not Tweeting. What a total waste!
  • This just in. World turns down world peace on account of it not being cool enough.
  • It’s Monday already. How time flies. And now the week is gone.
  • It was one thing after the other. First I discovered polygamy. And now I think I have finally found The Ones!
  • My ‘Overcoming your illiteracy’ program seemed like such a great idea. I don’t understand why no one signed up for it online.
  • In an attempt to make The world a better place our family has pledged to use only  recycled uranium rods for our reactor and only organic ingredients for our ballistic missiles.
  • Even though he is our Guinea pig, he doesn’t like us experimenting on him.
  • It was love at first sight. We realized we had so much in common. Neither of us won the Pulitzer, jumped off a building or ate a puppy. Our future was guaranteed.
  • I’m afraid my new novel ‘An Inconvenient Tooth’ My experience at the dentist, has been overshadowed by that damn Al Gore.
  • I used to be able to relate to human beings. Not any more.  I think I am coming down with Asberger’s. Must have caught it from that guy on the bus.
  • The politics in the office are out of control. I shudder to think what would happen if I weren’t the only person here.
  • Scientists discover that repeatedly asking “are we there yet” actually gets you there 47% faster!
  • I was recently arrested for drunk driving, even though i was not drunk nor was I driving. But, I was thinking about it, they said.
  • Not sure that my job as a nose picker qualifies me for the green job stimulus package.
  • What I really don’t like about re-incarnation is the dying again and again and again business… Who came up with that scheme?
  • My new patented revolutionary Pee test will be on shelves next Tuesday. Pee on it and it turns blue to indicate that you peed on it.
  • The irony is that the association of professional suicide bombers (APSB) is composed entirely of amateurs…
  • I discovered the one thing I am really good at is saying “I told you so”. I wonder how much popularity that will bring me.
  • I sometimes wish I could go back to nature. Well… nature without insects, really cold weather, being eaten or scary noises, that kind of nature.
  • You don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone. I wanted to find out how much money I had so I threw my wallet out the window
  • The career guidance counselor was very helpful narrowing down what I’m good at. I am currently looking for a job where I can criticize people and feel superior. Ideas?
  • When I realized no one cares if I’m miserable, I decided to skip it altogether.
  • Don’t be too harsh. Being hypocritical is double the work.
  • Do you ever get that feeling that you switched your socks and put each on the wrong foot? awkward, but… exciting.
  • Just had a shocking conversation with my parents. They confessed that after my circumcision they made the mistake of raising the wrong part, throwing away the other. Explains some things.
  • Huge failure. The new Google self-driving car was just caught sending a text message while driving to a cute scooter passing by.
  • I’m not here to judge you. But since I am already here … I might as well take care of that as well.
  • Ha. I laughed in their faces. They wanted to replace me (can you believe it?) with a rubber ducky. I told them to replace me they would need at least three of those.
  • It was a new day, though it felt like someone returned an old one, or it was a store model.
  • A few shortcuts that didn’t quite make it WTD (what the duck), LRQ(laughing really quietly) OMD(Oh my dog), RTHM(read the helpful manual).
  • My therapist thinks he is being followed and wants to kill the cleaning woman. I’m starting to think using discountshrinks.com was a mistake
  • I decided to call it a day. It informed me it was only here to fix the TV.
  • Can’t wait to complete the class I’m taking, “becoming an oligarch in three steps”, so I can get out and start usurping the masses.
  • The driver in the car next to mine was signaling me. Apparently I was picking my nose the wrong way.
  • Feeling guilty for not getting the kids a seismologist. The neighbors kids have one.
  • I was told I should write an autobiography, but I really never did enjoy writing about cars.
  • You know… there is only one of us but millions and millions of micro-organisms we carry around in our body. And is there ever even a word of recognition? God forbid… some gratitude?
  • I was just notified by my insurance agent that the best years of my life are behind me.
  • My new study shows that average people have very few extraordinary characteristics.
  • I’m willing to do anything to accomplish my goal. My problem is to figuring out what that is.
  • I didn’t let failure go to my head. I’m still a regular guy. Ask anyone.
  • Turns out being superficial with very low standards saves a lot of time.
  • Got stuck in the closet yesterday, when I finally managed to open the lock, I stayed in for a bit, so people wouldn’t get the wrong idea.
  • Just like Tony Curtis. They came and tried to bury me with my iPhone today. I assured them I wasn’t dead yet. They didn’t believe me but left anyway.
  • I was thinking of bombing Paris this weekend but because of the travel warnings, I canceled the trip
  • I think if people don’t like my chickens they can just wait for the next elevator
  • Life must be a metaphor for something. I can’t exactly figure what.
  • I don’t quite know what to make of the birthday cards I received urging me to “quit while I’m ahead”. And it’s not even my birthday…
  • Some mornings you wake up with a feeling that all is right with the world. This is not one of them.
  • Fturd… The feeling you get when you realize you have just stepped in something that wasn’t supposed to be on the sidewalk.
  • What makes me such a profound pessimist is that deep down I am a total optimist who is constantly being disappointed.
  • Found out that the group I least get along with are people
  • I’m encouraged. I feel my weakness is getting stronger.
  • With therapy I recovered a few repressed memories of mine. But they were so boring I sent them right back to repression
  • I Like oxymorons, except when they contradict themselves.
  • It is absurd to lump people into general groups and anyone who does that is surely an idiot.
  • My new rock band targets an older crowd. ‘The Grateful Dad’.
  • Things have become so bad I had to switch from my standard denial to a backup denial plan
  • It was a dream come true! I went to the supermarket, put the groceries in the car and drove home. What can I do? I have really boring dreams.
  • It’ a shame so few people know that I’m famous.
  • They told me learning math would be as easy as 1,2,7
  • At 54 I finally developed a system for survival. When in doubt, I ask an adult.
  • לא יודע מה לעשות. הסתבר שהיתה לי רק חתימה בינונית
  • I’ve discovered that not everything is declining. My ignorance is growing!
  • I couldn’t have cared less. But then suddenly… I did.
  • Had a flat tire today. Being a methodical person I switched the tires to see if the problem moved along with them.
  • So I was made in the image of my creator? A smelly, lazy, hairy creature that is not sure of anything? Why should I believe in him?
  • To calm my nerves today I tried smoking a little pot, but the handle kept getting in my eye.
  • I’ve recently started tricking people by impersonating myself. Ha. Nobody even suspects…
  • Bummed. My plan to give every person on the planet an enema to achieve world peace was turned down. I think it was worth a try.
  • עם השנים השיער מפסיק לגדול במקומות הרצויים וגדל במקומות משונים. אני זוכר את מה שאני רוצה לשכוח ושוכח את שאני רוצה לזכור. וגרוע מכל אני נרדם כאשר אני רוצה להיות ער ולא מצליח לישון כשצריך. אז… אני מאחל לכולנו שינה טובה ומתוקה.
  • My three trained cockroaches are really something. Any random way I place them on the table… they form a triangle. Scary.
  • I no longer have any bad dreams. Just bad Tweets
  • Even though I’m getting older, I don’t find the thought of death scary. Just my own death.
  • My latest invention. A robot that procrastinates has been received with less enthusiasm than I expected.
  • Failure is an option! It might actually be the best case scenario.
  • The one with the big boobs. The priest let out a big burp. Well… That’s what you think! Becoming suddenly aware of how short life is, I am going right for the punch lines.
  • I don’t like the level of salmonella showing up in eggs nowadays. I think I’ll buy the salmonella separately and do the mixing myself.
  • I was watching the science channel. Three scientists proved they definitely exist and then vanished in a puff of smoke.
  • I was expecting someone would come over and provide an idea that would give new meaning to life. But no… I have to do everything around here myself!
  • Don’t understand what the big deal is. I just put a square peg in a round hole.
  • 27% of life consists of moving food to a smaller container.
  • You never hear about Finland. I am getting very, very suspicious.
  • Ha. People claim to be tolerant, but since I switched to cannibalism I notice a subtle reluctance of my friends to come over for dinner.
  • I’m glad the kids will be coming over to work for career day. Just not sure they will be able to hop off and on the garbage truck on time
  • My cliche “The thighs are the window to a mans soul” has been rejected by the Cliche Committee. Ach…. so close!
  • My new service puts you in pictures from a place of your choosing. Much cheaper than going, and you can bore your friends just the same.
  • I’m having second thoughts about the cell phone plan I chose which gives them the right to come over and take anything they like from my fridge whenever they feel like it.
  • My new, and highly effective breakup line has just been patented. “It’s not me. It’s you.” Feel free to use it, just mail in those royalties
  • I finally found the group I belong to, Misanthropes. But I can’t stand them either.
  • Wow! Just discovered you can simply turn the TV off. What a total waste of 48 years.
  • My new product, Edible Hats comes in handy with bets gone bad.
  • My dream was always to have my cake and Edith too.
  • Just finished reading the small type on the auto insurance. It’s not bad I think. They will cover all expenses except when any damage occurs.
  • If god really did exist, would we even have bad hair days?
  • My autobiography was dramatically improved by adding a coloring section.
  • I’m skipping depression and going directly to meta depression. That is when you are depressed about being depressed.
  • My new courses in consumer arts opens next week. Come study buyology
  • I was shocked to discover my ancestors did not arrive from an exotic mountain range in Africa but from a small village in Poland. Who knew?
  • I don’t get it . My neighbor just told me his grass is greener. Maybe he doesn’t understand how these things work
  • Thinking about my great great uncle who was aiming for stardom but settled for a good bowl of soup.
  • Yesterday I was walking down the street when… Hold on… That wasn’t me.
  • Just realized that at 54 I need to stop referring to myself as newborn.
  • In a conference last week 76% of the world’s scientists agreed they don’t know what they are talking about.
  • The doctor was trying to figure out why I was complaining to him about pains in my stomach. Simple, no one else would listen.
  • For my long awaited comeback next year, I am planning a reunion.
  • Last week my unconscious took over and is now running things. Suddenly its trying to figure ME out.
  • A few months ago in the middle of washing dishes I suddenly developed washer’s block. Can’t wash a single dish since that day.
  • I finally decided to visit Nigeria and see how this country creates all these wonderful generous people who make amazing, selfless offers to strangers.
  • Our place is so clean, you can eat of the floor. But boy is that uncomfortable…
  • We are all mere pixels in the great Google earth picture. (Confucius)
  • One reason I don’t use the teleporter any more is that I never remember where I left things.
  • What immunizes me against all the humiliation I suffer is knowing that I am royalty. And they can’t take that away from me.I was telling the doctor about the pain in my nose and ears. He said it was all in my head.
  • My new venture ‘the retroactive news agency’ is taking off with a new angle. we tell you what happened last week. OK. not too interesting, but very accurate.
  • The best thing about the human race is… Oh, bother, I forget.
  • There is no need to be all that pessimistic. It might look like the sky is falling on you, but it is only a piano.
  • I am, therefore I think.
  • My hair has asked for a tweeter account of it’s own. I asked why. ” the world deserves to know”
  • For years, I’ve always been nonchalant, then suddenly yesterday out of the blue I started being chalant. Go figure…
  • The fact that my therapist keeps falling asleep in my sessions is not doing a lot for my ego.
  • In order to combine pleasure and profitability, I decided to date a business model.
  • No one else at the office seemed to realize it was ‘come in naked covered in chicken feathers’ day. Didn’t they get the memo?
  • One surefire way I’ve found for falling asleep is pretending I’ve written an autobiography, and someone is reading it back to me.
  • We now have an anthropologist who moved in to study us. She observes and takes notes. We pretend sucking on the corner of the carpet is an ancient custom.
  • I was recently picked up by the police for being a really nice guy. My neighbors said I always looked like a murderous pedophile to them.
  • Just noticed that when people say they couldn’t care less they could… And they do.
  • I think I have a mild case of identity theft. I find myself claiming others people’s ideas,
  • My secret to happiness is retroactively adjusting my goals to things I’ve already achieved.
  • A while ago I received my certificate saying I was finally ready for real life. A week later they said there was some mistake and they want me to send it back.
  • I’m disappointed. I was hoping someone would come over and say ‘everything is taken care of, go do as you please.’ Really. Is that too much to ask for?
  • It’s not that I have no stamina. I just have no energy to use it.
  • Just got a note in the mail telling me it is unclear how millions of years of evolution culminated in ME. They still are trying to pinpoint where the mistake happened.
  • I’ve come to the conclusion of what I want people to be saying as they walk past my coffin: ‘I think I just saw him move’.
  • Where do you look up ‘Dictionary’ if you don’t know what it means?
  • The doctor said I should come back tomorrow with a urine sample, a stool sample and a semen sample. I told him there is no need for me come back tomorrow and just left him my underwear.
  • People think that because I’m quiet I’m listening to them. I’m really listening to me.
  • Ah. I see you are unimpressed , well… If you only knew me when I was rich, handsome, famous and tall…
  • One of my friends on Facebook suggested that we get together some time. I looked it up but I still don’t understand what that means.
  • I thought it wasn’t fair of the doctor to tell my daughter she will have to be a little patient. It’s not as if she chose to be small.
  • I told my therapist I was turning invisible and tried to set up an appointment . He said he couldn’t see me.
  • Bummer. I’m taking a sausage making class. The dog just ate my homework.
  • It’s just been established that a substantial part of my life consists of very lifelike hallucinations. The next challenge is figuring out which parts. God I hope it’s the bad bits, otherwise I’m screwed.
  • The depressing thing about walking around with my frog is that everyone ignores me and only talks to him. I’m never included in the conversation.
  • The Vuvuzela players union claims soccer games are too distracting, and files a motion to have them removed from stadium.
  • As opposed to fellow sufferers of anorexia, when I point out that I am overweight others agree.
  • One day I’ll show them that they were all wrong. Of course I need to be right first.
  • The long lines at the ‘Thinking Differently” seminar are a bit of a turn off
  • I’m having a great nose hair day.
  • I find it is a problem being alone with me. I just don’t shut up
  • My latest blood test came back with encouraging results. This time it showed signs of life.
  • The winner in the Losers competition was totally shocked by his win and then instantly disqualified.
  • Changed my mind about taking that course “Asserting your free will”. Tried to cancel. They informed me it was too late and I must attend.
  • My just diagnosed condition ‘Etan’s Syndrome’ is where the patient is terribly ill, yet feels perfectly fine. One day a cure will be found.
  • I think therefore I complain.
  • There was no need but…Yesterday I was a bit bored so I reinvented the wheel. Came out nice. Round.
  • Want to climb up a roof with a machine gun and shoot everything in sight? There is an App for that.
  • My days of being a smug pretentious annoying asshole are over. I’ve discovered a way of being smug and pretentious without being annoying.
  • Our language is so inaccurate. An example: yesterday as I was walking around, I saw a man eating chicken!
  • The doctor said I should stop playing the flute, at least for a while, at least while he’s examining me.
  • Without a loved one we’d all be walking around days on end with parsley stuck between our front teeth
  • Once I get my weight under control I’ll stop worrying about this Anorexia nonsense.
  • They say indifference is much worse than outright dislike. I’ll take indifference any day.
  • Just left the museum. What struck me was that all the artists, no matter how successful were dead. Makes you wonder what’s the point
  • The voices of reason are all fine and good. But they are no fun…
  • Four more days to go! Then I start the countdown again
  • I decided to dedicate my life to pseudo science, become a pseudo-scientist, making pseudo inventions to better so-called humanity
  • Remembered what day it was today, and didn’t drool as much. One should be thankful of what one has.
  • This fear of typing is getting stronger every day, don’t know how long I will be able to … Yaaaaa!
  • Do you think we might be able to take advantage of the situation in Greece to solve the Israeli Palestinian conflict. We could probably buy Greece for about 4 Drachmas. There are possibilities here…
  • What is stopping me from using my time machine more frequently is not knowing what clothes bring along.
  • My doctor said I was just plain eating wrong, I guess the carrot in my ear is what set him off.
  • Old is the new young.
  • My stockbroker told me it is a dream market. Which is great, because I have many dreams I would like to get rid of.
  • My new line of men’s perfume ‘nausea’ is aimed at blending into your daily life. The lineup will include: ‘hangover’, ‘old socks’ and ‘morning breath’
  • The winner of the Self-Centered-Person contest was shocked to discover there were other contestants
  • Contrary to other joggers obsession with distance. I concentrate on quality. I run three feet, but you should see my posture!
  • Spending another Saturday morning working on my Oscar acceptance speech was probably a waste. There is still so much time till the event
  • God’s dismal success rate has recently effected his self esteem, he doesn’t believe in himself and is turning into an atheist.
  • Just got word of Apple’s new product. The Apple adult diaper… the iPeed
  • I’m struck by the similarities between me and Charles Darwin. Except of course for him being British, dead, and revolutionizing science and the way we look at life.
  • My chauvinist teacher keeps talking about the importance of history. Not a word about her story.
  • My latest project, cell phones for the dead, is coming along. They look nice, have fantastic sound quality. But still have problems with reception.
  • Our new service could be for you. If you are unemployed and don’t want to do that any more, we will find someone to do that for you in a third world country!
  • In retrospect, I’m not sure putting ‘hypocrite’ on my business card was such a good move.
  • I discovered I am nostalgic for things that haven’t happened yet.
  • I was wondering whether people who use sign language get Tourette’s syndrome, and if yes, what does that do to the furniture?
  • Screw the calendar. In my eyes I’m still a teenager.
  • I spend a lot of time thinking about other people and come up with great ideas for how they could improve themselves.
  • Our guest really left an impression yesterday. Today I called him and asked him to come by and pick it up.
  • My therapist comforted me by telling me that he’s never seen an inferiority complex as enormous as mine.
  • Are you sick and tired of complaining about everything. Our new service will find someone to do that for you in India. Outkvetching. Its the next thing.
  • The good news is… the existence of God has just been proven, The bad news… He doesn’t believe in people.
  • My plan was to spend the morning with a terrible headache. I love it when a plan just works perfectly
  • Today they asked for all my money and told me that I was not gullible. I believe them.
  • I was just told that my elderly aunt has been bedridden for quite a while. How is that even possible? she is so frail!
  • I said I was ready to pack it in and call it a day. My wife said I should probably get out of bed and go to work
  • The endorphins after a session at the gym left me with a can do spirit. I can fail, I can fall flat on my face, I can be stopped!
  • I am open to all new ideas as long as they don’t contradict mine
  • I was once described as living Smaller than life. That’s a complement, right?
  • My finals in telepathy class are due on Sunday, either that or the instructor was thinking of his ex again. It’s tricky sometimes.
  • I worry that I’m too neurotic. Should I be worrying about that? Does everyone else? Are you sure?
  • Bad News…My pet mosquito died today. Shame, I was training him to be a spy.
  • Now I’m kind of glad we didn’t go with our second choice ‘Eyjafjallajokull’ for our daughter’s name.
  • It’s never too late to become a pessimist. You can do it. Probably not.
  • This was person unlike anyone else. He caused a reaction in you. You either loved him, hated him or remained completely indifferent.
  • The good thing about guns is that they come with their own killer app.
  • My chiropractor says he can’t do anything else for me until the spare parts arrive.
  • The only thing stopping me from being a great humanitarian is very little energy and no interest in humanity.
  • People who’s mantra is ‘Always a dull moment’. Please stay away from me.
  • My definition of ‘young’ seems to be constantly changing. My definition of ‘idiot’ seems to remain constant.
  • Between the mosquito who bit me and me who squashed it on my knee, I was involved. But he was committed…
  • The Child Molesters Union (CMU) is claiming that the Vatican is using its international presence to unfairly corner the market.
  • I wonder if the first person to use plagiarism came up with it himself or did he steal the idea from someone else?
  • Breaking with the current trend, in our cinema, you put a paper bag over your head as we show you one dimensional films.
  • My neighbor the child molester is complaining that the Vatican is giving his occupation a bad name.
  • Watching people in the mall today took away the last remnant of belief I had in Intelligent Design.
  • I don’t know if something is wrong with me, but I recently realized that I’m completely addicted to food!
  • I was surprised that ‘serial killer’ got so little focus in career day at the school.
  • Spent some time watching ants today. Boy do we have a lot to learn. From tomorrow I too am starting to schlep dead cockroaches.
  • I’m afraid that deep deep deep down I’m superficial.
  • Pesach got me thinking. If scripture was handed down from a superior being, how come it contains no knowledge that was not available at the time (where is China, Saturn, The north pole or germs)?
  • Very disappointing. I just received a note from history. My request for a footnote has been rejected
  • I finally gave up and decided to become a perfectionist
  • I don’t get it. Those that can… do, and those that can’t… teach. What about those that can’t teach?
  • בשנה הבאה בני תחורים
  • I used to know the secret to remembering everything.
  • The Vatican: No child’s behind left.
  • I think nausea is wasted on nauseous people.
  • I’m getting scared that God really doesn’t like us atheists.
  • I think it is wrong to treat everyone as you treat yourself. They don’t all deserve that mild disdain.
  • My headache notified me today that it was having a mild case of human.
  • My new outsourcing service is fully operational. From now on I will be providing guilt feelings to those not willing to dedicate the resources for that themselves.
  • It’s not clear to me how with time everyone else becomes less and less interesting to me while I remain totally fascinating. Maybe they are just too self absorbed?
  • I try to stay away from people who agree with me. They are showing bad judgment. Don’t you agree?
  • The only thing stopping me from becoming a truly great author is bad writing skills and no idea for a story.
  • Our guest really left an impression yesterday, perhaps we shouldn’t have allowed the elephant to step on him.
  • I am one with the universe, and this morning the universe had a splitting headache.
  • Thank you everyone for the birthday wishes! It was of course a huge mistake. There is no way I am getting older. I am , however, keeping the presents for quality assurance purposes.
  • This is embarrassing… I only today discovered that homeopathic doesn’t mean ‘very nice gay person’
  • On my way home yesterday I got a little drunk at the bar. I don’t know what to do with him, but he’s cute.
  • My new holistic garage is now open for business. We use homeopathic engine oil, diluted a million to one and fix bodywork with aromatherapy. We are just the facilitator, the trick is to convince the car to heal itself.
  • I woke up thinking I was hearing the sounds of spring. Turns out it was the sound of springs
  • I’m worried. This morning I was laying in bed and for a few seconds I stopped worrying. Is that normal?
  • Good news! My calculations show that if each of us eats only three people around him we can still save the planet.
  • Just tried spreading my laptop on the floor and painting the bathroom. Let me tell you… the Internet is no substitute for newspapers.
  • The good thing about human nature is that we all share it. The bad thing is that it is nothing to write home about.
  • I am currently between unemployments.
  • I tweet therefore I am.
  • The future looked bright. I was going to be a pessimist. But, already I realized, I’d started out on the wrong foot.
  • My latest article ‘The proliferation of superfluous irrelevant data volumes 1 , 2, and 3’ appears tomorrow.
  • I was thinking that the least I could do was to paint my head nicely to make things interesting for Google earth users.
  • My slogan ‘I have a cream’ was somehow, not as catchy as the competition.
  • It’s weird that I find it so much easier to criticize other people than to do things myself.
  • Old age is wasted on old people.
  • Last week my identity was stolen just to be returned today in a brown paper bag. The note said ‘fine… you be you’
  • I always was hyperactive. I was just never any good at it.
  • If life is no picnic, how do you explain all the insects.
  • I feel awful. I think I might have grabbed someone else’s fortune cookie and right now there is someone whose lucky number is 17 and he doesn’t even know it.
  • The world is divided into two. Things that are mentioned in this sentence and those that aren’t. Oops, there goes my world order.
  • I discovered I can’t help but get old. My remedy,  be incredibly immature.
  • The fortune cookie said I should concentrate on my strong points. So from now on I am going to be extremely average
  • As long as I eat my lettuce, take my vitamins and brush my teeth, I will live for ever.
  • What I hate more than hearing Mosquitoes buzzing overhead is hearing them burp.
  • I realize now that hair is just the side effect of dandruff’s stubborn fight for survival.
  • Reality is everything that happens beyond this thick fog.
  • Just figured it out. My new strategy. Create a plan to loose tons of money, use my normal tactics and fail miserably.
  • I finally realize what I want to be when I grow up…. Really old.
  • Thinking about my great uncle who thought he was marrying for money but eventually discovered he had married for love when he realized there was no money.
  • Overheard a conversation between two ants. One of them was saying he believes there is a superior being that can control their lives. I squashed them both to stop that silly superstition from spreading.
  • My neighbor was making a lot of noise clapping with just one hand, I asked him to stop. He told me he was just a metaphor
  • I always knew I would grow up to be a pessimist. But I didn’t know how good I would be at it.
  • People are often offended when I call them scumbags even though I use the positive meaning of the word.
  • If I could do it all over again, I would skip writing this.
  • The anticipation of trying on new socks is making it nearly impossible to get any work done.
  • Spent the day trying to become a ventriloquist for body odor.
  • By reading my status you are agreeing to see all things from now on from my point of view. Gotcha!
  • The media who claim to be responsible for creating my personality, have issued a recall. I now need to show up and have it readjusted. Who knows, maybe it will get rid of my mean streak.
  • I was amazed that in their acceptance speeches not one of the nominees at the Grammy’s even mentioned soup.
  • Given really good bread in the morning. I think I could endure torture for the rest of the day.
  • Experimenting with mind control. I have just completed my first successful attempt at remotely changing someone’s mind and then changing it right back before they even noticed. This is quite amazing!
  • Flaunting my modesty is what I do best. Better than anyone else.
  • Just back from the patent office where I have three patents pending. All I have to do now is come up with ideas for them.
  • I was just cleared of all charges in the embezzlement case! My big dilemma… Do I keep the money?
  • Sometimes I think the gene pool needs it’s filter changed
  • A copy of the brief that documented my brief case of the flu was left in the brief case just in case the brief was lost. It was, with the case. The lost case. (Sorry. it’s late)
  • My big dilemma is this… If my goal is to do nothing, how do I know when I’ve achieved it?
  • Working on my new venture ‘Life Lite’ for when the real thing is just a little bit too much
  • I think I’ve learned how to live with uncertainty. But I’m not sure.
  • My Motto for the day: Where shit is abundant… Stay away from fans.
  • The genie that popped out of the bottle I found in the yard said he would grant me three wishes. My wishes were: (1)Cut it out with all that smoke, (2)Something cold to drink, (3)Get rid of that annoying itch in my nose. Completely forgot about world peace…
  • Constantly searching for new ideas. The only criteria is that they need to exactly match my old ones.
  • The closer I get to knowing something for sure, the more confused I get. At least I think that’s true.
  • What was it called when Freud slipped on the soap in the shower?
  • I Just had the most annoying argument with a ventriloquist. The furniture all took his side.
  • Just looking at the pile of ‘happy new year’ greetings. Do we really have any proof that this new year isn’t just a recycled old one?
  • Trying out these rose colored glasses to see things in a more optimistic way. It isn’t exactly working. Everything is still hopeless but pink.
  • Man…It’s lonely at the top. Down here it is damn crowded.
  • Not feeling like myself today, Don’t know who said that.
  • My plan is to become a pessimist. But, I don’t think it will work…
  • The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. In fact it doesn’t make a difference where you make the first cut. It’s equally messy.
  • This afternoon I felt like a stroll, which is strange because I don’t look anything like a stroll.
  • Just arrived at the realization that no one really cares. Now who do I tell this to?
  • Just discovered I can play the violin equally as well with my left hand
  • Disappointed that my submission to the ‘Going Green Idea Book’, was turned down. They said ‘picking your nose’ was too general.
  • Trying to fall asleep. Wondering what is the opposite of medium?
  • People who know me will tell you that I am famous for my anonymity.
  • My time machine and microwave have joined forces against me. I can now only make popcorn yesterday.
  • There are so many ways to arrive at the wrong conclusion. My challenge is to find the best one.
  • I just realized what a total waste third grade was. I’ve written in, asking for a refund.
  • Now that I realize it’s futile to lie about my age. I lie about the date.