I’d like to thank all those who have helped me in my life long struggle with laziness. I couldn’t have done it without you.

I’ll be blunt. I have a birthday coming up in a couple of days, if you are toying with the idea of not sending a birthday greeting… You might find yourself mentioned in a one-liner. And not in a good way. Just sayin’.

I don’t think the words “never again” mean what people think they mean.

I was just another one of those kids who grew up wanting to be a proctologist. All over my room were posters of famous proctologists looking heroic.