I resent being called a grumpy, smelly, old man. I’m not always grumpy.

The placebo corporation is coming out with additional products besides medicine. Food (35% of people are convinced they have eaten. They have not), money (47% of people swear they earned it. They have not), clothes (32% think they are dressed. They are not).

I’m one of a new breed of masochistic philanthropers. I want to share my pain.

As the only me in the country, I’ve just been declared a protected minority. A museum will be erected to preserve my heritage.