After not liking what I saw in the mirror, my resolution for the new year is to take matters into my own hands and at all costs … avoid mirrors.

We can now freely admit that the only reason we went through 2013 was because it was impossible to get to 2014 without it.

I told Siri she reminded me of her mother. Now for every question I ask I get “so… now you want my opinion?”.

I was staring death in the face. Waiting to see who would blink first. Then I realized it was just a Smiley sticker.

I thought this week I would focus on self deprecating one-liners, but it turns out I’m not very good at those either.

Do Zombies ever have a truely good day?

If it wasn’t for that aromatherapist on the bus, the guy with the heart attack would have been a gonner.

Is it dangerous to put pasta and antipasta in the same container? I’m curious, but afraid to try it.

What separates us from the rest of the animals is our ability, regardless of where or when, to disregard our surroundings and with great intent, stare at our phone.

I was just told that what’s important is what’s on the inside. And that is supposed to cheer me up??

My doctor says he can’t be sure if the Placebo pills he prescribed are actually doing anything or if it is just the Placebo effect.

I’ve just received my diploma as “Honorary Vegetarian” as recognition that though I eat meat, I think it’s wrong.  My hypocrite diploma is arriving next week.

We are at war with everything else on the planet. The good news is we are winning. The bad news… You figure it out.

You learn something new every day. (That’s what I learned today).

One day at a time That’s what I say, at maximum two. Three days at a time is really just too much work.

When flying, I often pretend that the whole plane is gone except me and my seat soaring through the air. After that I usually go to the bathroom, which is pretty scary with the whole plane gone.

Trying to see things from my point of view. But sometimes it’s not easy.

Reincarnation is interesting, but I am still trying to figure out if there is life before death.

My Roomba is dating the toaster. God, I hope they are careful.

I used to like people, until I discovered I was one of them.

I think I might actually be half mermaid.

If you take all the people in the world and lay them side by side, then you must be a very bored yet, influential person.

A Smellfie, the act of smelling yourself to see it you can get away with wearing that shirt one more day.

To my dismay my proposed show: ‘America’s got snot’ a reality show involving nose picking, was accepted and will air next season.

I got a little drunk at the party last night. But later his wife called and asked for me to drive him home.

If milk and aspirin have it, I think that superstition, scripture and other nonsense need an expiration date as well.

My conversations with myself at night are quite boring. Too predictable.

We are the kindest, gentlest and most tolerant. And we’ll kill anyone who doesn’t agree.

Ever since I learned that Buddhism claims the key to less suffering is getting rid of craving, I really really really want to be a Buddhist…

He was driving her nuts, even though she specifically asked him to leave them at home.

My doctor says that what I have is post birth syndrome.

Yesterday in a spontaneous moment I got a bicycle for my grandfather. Today I woke up thinking maybe that wasn’t the best trade in the world.

Wondering today about the big questions. Why am I here? What does this all mean? And where did I leave the car?

I used to have free will. Now it is $19.99.

The germs opened a Twitter account and said that although they are proud of their contribution to history, it would be nice to get a little more respect.

Bummer. Tried to return the invisibility cloak I bought but the customer service agent couldn’t see me.

My personal trainer at the gym said I could increase my results dramatically just by showing up.

Showed them.  Today at the restaurant the waiter asked if he could seat us. I told him we are booked for now, but might be able to squeeze them in at 9:30.

They say our biggest problem is indifference and apathy. That might be true, but I don’t really care.

If all the world is a stage, then who the hell is responsible for casting?

Under that rough exterior, lies a truly unpleasant person.

For a system that claims to absolutely know things that it really doesn’t, belief gets much too much respect.

If you are the only one who remembers an event, did it really happen? Does it even matter?

We have the freedom to do exactly as we are told.

Since at this point it is futile to lie about my age, I now lie about the date.

Puzzled. I just watched a 20 minute clip called ‘Playing the Ukulele in 5 minutes’.

The Nobel prizes are just around the corner. I’m holding my breath, but don’t want to jinx it again by calling them.

I lay awake all night worrying about my insomnia.

I felt a little weird being the only one in class attracted to the lower part of the mermaid.

The antique business lobbyists are really pushing for the development of a time machine

I’ve stopped viewing going to the bathroom as a hassle and started viewing it as proof that something still works.

The results of my exhaustive comparative research project comparing Iceland and Israel are in:
Iceland – Israel.
Huge – tiny.
Hardly any people – way too many people.
Endless supply of water – no water.
Endless supply of energy – no energy.
No neighbors – surrounded by neighbors that want to kill you.
Freezing cold – Scorching hot.
No humus – best humus in the world.

Amazing! Did you know in Iceland sheep have 147 words for grass.

Bummer. My atonement this year was rejected. They said I was late with my atonement fees. Great. Now I have to atone for that too!

Couldn’t sleep I was so giddy with excitement. Two of my LinkedIn contacts endorsed my new working skills.

Could it be everyone got it wrong? During my recent trip to Pisa noticed the tower was completely vertical but everything around it was leaning.

Try , try and try again and you will be triumphant. Otherwise you might just end up umphant.

Better to have lost and been completely obliterated than to have never lost at all.

I don’t think Infinity is as large as people think it is.

Bad news. Turns out that between the two of us… I was the imaginary friend.

I had the feeling we already talked about your deja vu.

Just came back from a retrospective show held by my dentist. He presented every filling he ever performed. Fascinating.

I’m a man of modest ambitions. My only dream is to, one day, have a disorder named after me.

I found that the best way for me to deal with my lack of energy was a really good nap.

I was using my paper based mobile device and noticed that it did not remember where I had read to. I guess they still have some bugs to work out.

Idea for my new business: “We make antiques, while you wait.”

This is embarrassing. I can’t remember if I pretended to have read this book or not…

Home is where you know the WiFi password.

I’m not  really all that interested in the anti-bribery law. But if you make it worth my while… I’ll definitely promote it for you.

We decided to call it a day. But that seemed the wrong name for a puppy.

I was planning on doing some procrastinating, but it doesn’t look like I’ll be able to get to it today.

I finally managed to get the t shirt, the tote bag, the three caps and both keychains from the ‘Defying Materialism’ conference.

I’m afraid to leave the house tomorrow. My eyeglass prescription is set to expire then.

Turns out…prioritization is really not that important.

If we were made in his image… it is no wonder he has issues with self esteem.

It’s quite amazing how much of life we spend accumulating matter that (we think) matters and discarding matter that (we think) doesn’t matter. Where in reality they both matter very little.

I feel terrible. Yesterday I nonchalantly checked the box saying “I have read the terms and conditions” when in fact I hadn’t… What will happen when they find out?

I think it unfair that airlines tease us with the knowledge that our seats can be used as floatation devices, yet they never give us a chance to check that out..

Yay! You can now get your kids delivered with soft drink names.

Like the US government, I too can totally destroy anyone in my vicinity with my drone.(I just go on and on and on)

In order to make GPS devices seem more human, our next version is going to be asking ‘are we there yet?’ every 11 minutes.

I keep trying to convince them it is just déjà vu but they insist I really was there before and please return those books already

The slogan of the cannibal nutrition board. ‘You eat what you are’.

I should be more satisfied with my result of coming in second in the mediocrity contest.

Do not let the inner peace of others destroy your anxiety.

I finally figured out what I want to be when I grow up. Really, really old.

What do we want? Better memory! when do we want it? Purple!

My new form of Pilates is focused more on people who find movement distasteful.

I’m very retrospective. Most of my time is devoted to: “what the hell was I thinking?”.

My aim was always to be lean and mean. But then I got to thinking… What’s so great about lean?

My newest book is called: ‘Body building from A to Z’. Where to get parts, what electricity to use, How not to get caught.

The reason I don’t like being around self-centered people is that they don’t give me enough attention.

I don’t know why this is, but I find that other people are much more annoying than I am.

I alway try to keep a few depressing thoughts on hand just in case I find myself unnecessarily cheerful.

Since Coca Cola doesn’t make bottles carrying our son’s name, we did the only responsible thing… We changed his name to Coca Cola.

My new service will allow you to sublet your gym membership to people who will actually go to the gym.

Our new campaign at the soup council aims to improve the image of soup. The new clips show beautiful, successful people eating soup while skiing, in a wrestling match and during open heart surgery. I can’t wait to see the impact they have.

Referring to me as a living legend is only half true

Yesterday, I almost had fun. Fortunately, just in time, I remembered all the things I needed to get done.

Work on my autobiography is progressing nicely. Since a major part of it consists of  trips to the grocery, I am trying to find some way of instilling a sense of adventure to at least some of them.

I’m such a private person. When I sneeze I only find out about it the next day.

Yesterday I suddenly developed my own herd mentality.

I was appalled to just learn that in third world countries they don’t even have their names on soft drink bottles. This outrage must come to an end!

Actions speak louder than words, so could you please stop all action between 2 and 4.

You call yourselves friends? Why didn’t anyone tell me I had cow manure all over my head all weekend?

I hate that I’ve become so judgmental. And I’m really not very good at it, if I say so myself.

I am currently looking for new plot twist ideas for my upcoming autobiography.

This morning when nature called it was the first time I realized I had call waiting

I might not be any good at playing jazz but I am really good at listening to it.

Research has shown that research is hard. That is why 83.5% of the time we make things up.

I slept like a baby. A depressed, overweight, smelly baby with hemorrhoids.

My hope is that as I get older interest in me will grow as I will be start to be considered retro.

היתה לי התרוממות רוח היום. אני צריך להפסיק לאכול את הפשטידה הזו.

My friend says he doesn’t know whether to stop smoking because it is so expensive or because it kills you. It’s a huge dilemma.

After years I finally located my Settings Control Panel. Under the Behavior section it said: ‘ To continue antisocial behavior, do nothing’.

Everyone always concentrates on the negative and no one ever sees the kinder, gentler side of zombies. There is definitely prejudice at work here.

I sometimes wonder if other people are as self-centered as I am. And if they are, what’s in it for me?

ל״ג בעומר נותן לנו את ההזדמנות להנציח ולחגוג את הפעם הראשונה שבר-כוכבא גנב עגלת סופרמרקט

With Mosquitos around I always get drunk. They just like me.

The one big advantage I have over Bach, Albert Einstein, Leonardo Da Vinci and Newton is that I am alive. So there!

I keep wondering about the previous pope and whether once he left they came the next day and disconnected his direct line to god.

I met this sorceress today and asked her to make me a sandwich. Now I’m looking for someone who knows how to  reverse this.

I thought our new cat really loved me until I saw that the armchair received exactly the same treatment.

My goal is every year to do one thing better than ever. This year I am thinking embezzlement.

I can’t remember. Before smartphones did we just stop and stare at our hands every few minutes?

The good news is I look fabulous for a 72 year old.

With 300 people on a plane in that tiny space, you wonder what makes up the air we are breathing there. Sometimes ignorance is bliss.

My heart goes out to the poor sign-language translator who sprained her hand during that interview with the Tourettes patient.

I Don’t get why I can’t have my cake and Edith too.

Thank you everyone for the wonderful birthday greetings! They warmed my heart and almost made up for being completely ignored during the rest of the year.

I feel I’ve aged a lot. Especially during these last 57 years.

I don’t get what the big deal is about capital punishment. If we also punish lower case… will that be ok?

Turns out Freedom is just another word for panty liner.

Money doesn’t buy you happiness but it does allow you to be miserable in more places.

Now that God’s direct connection, the Pope, has left. It appears that God is going wireless.

Nearly everyone I know has been sexually transmitted.

The only reason I insist on being myself is that everyone else is taken.

My kids say I should spend more quality time with my iPhone.

A few days ago, I was just sitting there, when suddenly… Hey wait a minute. That wasn’t me.

Maybe not everyone sees this as a good thing. But perhaps that course I took ‘becoming a pope in 3 easy lessons’ will finally pay off.

With age my aches and pains have become so much more fascinating to me. It is quite incredible.

Death. The silent killer.

Siri said I spend too much time with my kids and should be spending more quality time with her.

Something is wrong with a belief system when it consists almost entirely of restrictions.

I’m currently working on a comprehensive errata of last year’s events.

300 DPI. My new year’s resolution.

I said I couldn’t care less.  I was wrong. I  could.

People believe we were made in God’s image and and have no problem worshiping a smelly, hairy, obnoxious, self centered creature with gas.

I’m pushing a law to prohibit photoshopping pictures of vegetables in ads. Normal vegetables are developing debilitating inferiority complexes when they compare themselves to these.

Yes. of course I believe in tolerance. You are free to practice your beliefs and I am free to follow your restrictions.

People… It’s like they have a life of their own.