2011 Daily Musings

  • I read that in the Mayan cookbook the last recipe is chicken soup. Damn! I just made chicken soup. Now the world is going to end.
  • The plan changes. My book “good things that happened in 2011” will be printed instead on the back side of my business card.
  • My doctor is treating my hypochondria with Placebos. Anyone have any experience with this. Can it be taken with alcohol?
  • If you are not exactly like me, who are you to deserve my sympathy?
  • This is what I call planning. The driver in front of me has been signaling left for the past 20 minutes. This guy knows where he is going.
  • I think I’ve been replaced my an exact replica of myself except the new me is aware of this scheme.
  • My series of Hello Kitty family coffins have been less successful than I had anticipated.
  • Saw the baby changing area at the airport and decided to take our baby and change him into an espresso machine. Tomorrow.
  • I was always one to grab life by the horns, and ask it to come back a bit later.
  • In a surprise ruling religious women all over the world have been unanimously granted second rate citizenship!
  • My joy over the demise of Kim Jong-Il was somewhat dampened when I realized I would probably never again see that ‘Shit Happens’ t-shirt he borrowed from me.
  • הצעה לחיווי פייסבוק חדש. אוהב, אבל ככה ככה. אוּלייק
  • More and more I find myself starting sentences and then suddenly…
  • I’m a vegetarian. Just not exclusively.
  • Yes you too believe in the existence of the flying spaghetti monster. But you believe he has red sauce. So I hate you.
  • Turned my brain off for the weekend. Now I can’t remember how to turn it back on
  • It’s been two weeks since I started the ‘occupy my bathroom’ movement. So far… Very little press coverage.
  • The problem with people… Too many moving parts
  • I heard there is a huge brain drain happening. It sounds like a great idea to me. Anyone know where I can get one?
  • Went to Ikea in search of a new personality. But Everything they had required some assembly.
  • They said I was disconnected from the times when I suggested faxing meals to the poor. Fine. Have it your way. We can email them.
  • If you have a sign that you do not sign, it is an unsigned sign. Will it just go poof and disappear? These things bother me.
  • The reason I am not competitive is that it is just too much work.
  • You don’t find success it finds you. HELLO…. I’M HEEEERE!…
  • My dentist said that without me it just wouldn’t be the same.
  • The part I don’t like about reincarnation is the endless dying.
  • Drooling is so easy, even a baby can do it.
  • The only reason I am a pessimist is that all other approaches are doomed to fail.
  • Did all the people at the time get together and decide to call their era the middle ages? What were the other options?
  • I sit and stare at the wall. It’s a vicious circle. Or maybe I don’t understand that expression.
  • We instead went with a regular fence and an invisible dog.
  • My trick of imagining my students in pyjamas so as not to be intimidated by them was foiled by them showing up in pyjamas.
  • Considering sending in that article to asshole weekly. Though I don’t know if I am up to their standards.
  • I think I’ve inadvertently just solved the age old dilemma. The glass is half empty.
  • I decided to completely remove pedophilia from my Resume. I don’t think it was giving me the effect I was looking for.
  • I stopped paying taxes. Now if the country is attacked… I’m the designated hostage.
  • Just realized that in the middle ages they didn’t have email yet. Their text message bills must have gone through the roof.
  • My dream is to be bought by an elephant. I always wanted to belong to something larger than myself.
  • I saw this ‘Baby Changing Station’ at the airport. It is about time someone did something about them… They are noisy little buggers.
  • I’m starting to see the mind-body connection. Whenever I look at my body and I get depressed.
  • Shocked! I just read something on the Internet that simply isn’t true!
  • I used to be a disgruntled employee. But since things are better. I am now gruntled.
  • Know thyself. But please… not on the bus.
  • I now realize I’ve been suffering for years from Highway Sign Syndrome (Food, Gas).
  • Just been invited to my first stoning. So excited! What does one wear?
  • My job seems to be translating food for my toilet.
  • I realize that I am somewhere between a philosopher and a bimbo. Pondering the state of the human conditioner.
  • It looks like and duck and it quacks like a duck. What the hell could this thing be?
  • I just realized I can increase my productivity dramatically by working.
  • I’m glad I’m not Alexander the great. Can you imagine the performance anxiety that goes with that last name.
  • The Nobel committee said their decision was final and please stop calling them already. Maybe next year.
  • I think this metaphor symbolizes something else.
  • They speak a lot about friends, about companionship, about love. But not enough about soup.
  • My dream is to take a big crap and jump off a bridge. Create something that will last longer than I do.
  • I’m turning myself in for self abuse. If I don’t who will?
  • Just discovered! You can fool all of the people all of the time.
  • I’m turning myself in for self abuse. If I don’t who will?
  • Just discovered! You can fool all of the people all of the time.I’m worried. Checked the map. There was a big arrow saying ‘you are nowhere’
  • אני, יצאה לי חתימה בסדר. אבל נתקלתי באחרים עם חתימה מה זה מחורבנת. לא נעים
  • My predictions are always accurate. It’s reality that is messed up.
  • I think I’ve just come up with the killer app for poison!
  • I’ve ditched the preconceived notion that when going on vacation it is essential to have your luggage arrive with you. bourgeois notion.
  • Looked at myself in the mirror today. My Anorexia seems to be in remission.
  • One look at the hotel buffet and I understood why they named the country Greece.
  • Fed up with this year and its disappointments. Can’t wait to get to next year’s disappointments .
  • I wonder if bathing only once a year qualifies me as a Renaissance man. I’m thinking… yes.
  • I don’t know what they were so angry about. The sign said put nothing but toilet paper in the toilet.
  • 80% of life is filling out the paperwork.
  • When I was young I celebrated my enthusiasm. Now I celebrate my pessimism
  • Just got a message from my subconscious asking me to stop it already.
  • My non-prophet organization has no idea where it’s going.
  • Why me? Because someone has to do everything around here.
  • The league of superheros just rejected my membership application. Strange because I think I am unique in being able to read the mind of appliances.
  • The problem with the community I belong to, The Sociopaths, is that we have so few meetings.
  • Currently establishing the extreme camp of the ‘less is more’ movement. ‘Nothing is Everything!’ is what we believe. What am I doing to advance this concept? You know the answer to that.
  • We all burp and fart and pick our noses. Being cultured is pretending we don’t.
  • My standards have so diminished with the years that I even started accepting me the way I am.
  • Well on my way to achieving my lifelong goal of becoming obnoxious. Major strides have been made recently.
  • Tried to convince my dog to eat my homework. He wasn’t interested.
  • I think misunderstood something at my Feng Shui course. Now any time someone enters my room they throw up.
  • I’m over it now. But I used to be nostalgic and that was a really really wonderful time.
  • Banged my toe really badly. Now my body language has an accent.
  • I stopped paying taxes. Now I’m not allowed to use the traffic lights anymore.
  • I was asked not to return to my volunteer job on the suicide help line after I called to order pizza and the pizza guy killed himself.
  • I want to die doing what I love, like my grandfather and not screaming in terror like the people he was shooting from that roof.
  • I always knew I was a bit short. My dilemma is when to come out about it.
  • I spend 90% of my time pretending to be someone else. I don’t think it made much of a difference though, I think he is pretending to be me.
  • My game of strip solitaire wasn’t as much fun as I had hoped bit would be.
  • Went to the pool today. My challenge was to figure out which species I belong to. Failed completely.
  • I tried this trick. For two weeks, whenever anyone talked to me, I nodded and thought of other things. Nobody noticed.
  • I decided to postpone my nervous breakdown this year because of budget cuts.
  • Life is to short for us to be having a good time.
  • My AAA batteries have just been downgraded to AA+
  • I used to think only I was interested in all my aches and pains, but now that I’m older I realize everyone is fascinated by my aches and pains.
  • Turns out  that only 10 percent of me uses my brain.
  • Our dog is dogmatic and our cat is catatonic. I think they take themselves too literally.
  • You are wrong if you think the world won’t notice your absence. They’d have to find something else to use to illustrate insignificance.
  • I often find the truth just confuses matters.
  • Got a letter from the Internet today. There are only four more .com names left. Gqqelvvhloiiip-116.com is available! I’m thinking of taking it.
  • Power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely. I think I’m safe.
  • I think I was given second rate time. It seems not to last as long as the real thing.
  • Traveling has made me think. My location is totally dependant on where I am.
  • Ran into this mime today who couldn’t believe his good luck when he was actually trapped inside a glass box.
  • From a young age I knew my future would be in the mental health field. I always knew  I wanted to be neurotic.
  • Driving totally screws up your drinking.
  • When I look at us I realize that underneath the superficial differences we are all very different.
  • People are trying to figure out my ulterior motives. I’m trying to figure out my regular ones.
  • The real world called last night with a short message:”join us”. I’m considering.
  • My nostalgia used to be so much better than it is now.
  • Really happy about my life right now. There. Passed.
  • I had some doubts, but as long as music moves me so, I guess I’m still alive.
  • Just discovered the printer is suffering from chronic death syndrome.
  • There are some indications that I might not be as sane as I claim to be.
  • Just got a letter from the government asking me to be a bit more of a douchebag. ‘Remember, we’re all in this together’ they said.
  • Turns out all people who were born under the Sagittarius sign don’t believe in astrology.
  • Freedom of expression is now mandatory and citizens found not freely expressing themselves by Tuesday will be fined.
  • You learn something new every day. Today I learned that.
  • If someone invented a sink that could float. Now that would be a paradox…
  • I was living under the assumption that everything changes. But what if that rule changes too?
  • I just participated in the International Loser Competition. I won.  Can’t believe my bad luck.
  • For some reason, driving a tractor will totally make your cough medicine ineffectual so they ask you not to do both at the same time.
  • Join me for the attention deficit disorder organization’s annual meeti… ah screw it. Lets see what’s on now.
  • I sent an urgent message to convey in no uncertain terms that I’m indifferent.
  • I tricked myself into thinking that the elevator stays in place and the building goes up and down. I’m so gullible.
  • I don’t believe in luck. I make my own luck. Still haven’t figured out how to make good luck though.
  • The fact that I am human does not in the slightest add to my respect for humanity
  • My charm suddenly stopped working. Now everything that worked like a charm… Doesn’t.
  • Starting to suspect I might be a pessimist. Whenever I think a positive thought, I worry it might be causing brain damage.
  • I could do such wonderful things if I were a good person
  • It’s lucky we have religion, otherwise we’d have to make up nonsense to give us pretend meaning. Oh… Wait…
  • Mosquitoes! Even there mothers hate them.
  • Turns out our outsourcing is inefficient and we cannot compete. They even outsource much better in the far east.
  • Wondering if on my tax returns where it asks about dependents I should mention the Mosquitos
  • He thought he was complementing us when he said we looked like sisters. But neither me or my grandfather took it very well.
  • My robot was in love he said she autocompletes him.
  • I was aiming to be the world’s least ambitious person, but now I’ve given up on that.
  • Does anyone happen to know the success rate of the end of the world predictions up till now?
  • I read that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. I am now on my third breakfast.
  • I thought we had it bad until I learned that cannibals struggle with an edible complex.
  • I don’t like common sense. I’m looking  for something a bit more exclusive.
  • These selfish people are  starting to get on my nerves. They never stop for a moment and ask themselves what they can do for me.
  • The rapture didn’t arrive? Well… Its not the end of the world.
  • I’m on a mission to change the world. Make it a more boring place
  • After spraining my ankle in two places I decided to avoid those places from now on.
  • Scientists discover a parallel universe where there are no kittens and as a result the Internet has only 14 web pages.
  • As I suspected… In real life, I’m shorter
  • I’m hoping that changing my autobiography to a pop-up book will present me as a more three dimensional character.
  • We like to think we are in control but are just slaves to the real decision makers. Germs. They are everywhere.
  • I’ve discovered how it is that us and mosquitos share over 95% of our DNA. They come and collect it every night.
  • My sports teacher was disappointed that my desire to be a bodybuilder was less like Schwarzenegger and more like Frankenstein.
  • I’m starting to think that adding those ‘Scratch & Sniff’ pages to my autobiography might have been in bad taste.
  • I spent this weekend catching mosquitoes and spraying them with insect repellent, let them feel what I go through.
  • Arrrg! Tried to leave a suicide note on my phone. Autocomplete changed it to “Good smile krill cordless”. I’m sticking around a bit longer.
  • Missed another ‘defeating your laziness’ session.  Didn’t get up on time.
  • Ever notice that anyone who says looks don’t matter is amazingly handsome.
  • Totally bummed for missing the wedding. I marked it on a big note on the fridge, prepared a nice present and completely forgot… Bummer.
  • Ever notice that anyone who says looks don’t matter is amazingly handsome.
  • Seeing the carrot in my ear the doctor said he thinks I’m not eating properly
  • If Big brother is watching me. Big brother must be bored out of his mind.
  • Stationary stores always have a big sign advertising the fact that they are not going anywhere. Is that such a big deal?
  • I bet I am much less competitive than you.
  • It’s not that I dislike children, It’s that I dislike what they become later.
  • Is it just me or is everyone crazy? Never mind. I checked. It’s just me.
  • If you are going to live out your fantasies, you need to fantasize first.
  • I’m aging gracefully. I now say I am sorry every time I forget something.
  • I guess I am into GUI for too long. I was wondering why the restaurant didn’t have a pull-down menu.
  • I know I’m getting old. Now make up sex is sex I make up.
  • The pain of existence is now confined only to the area of my body.
  • I was getting all excited anticipating the spring sale. But then while driving over I started thinking. How many springs do I actually need?
  • I’m starting to think that the reason my job search has not been that successful is the length of the Fetishes section in my resume.
  • I know I am getting old. Now when I say I got lucky last night I mean… no heartburn.
  • Someone must have had a very sick sense of humor to invent chopped liver.
  • This year I’m celebrating Inhibitions Day by doing nothing in a cold dark room, talking to no one. How about you?
  • I must be getting old. Being mean is not as much fun as it used to be
  • By reading this status you are acknowledging that you agree with my point of view. Reading this next sentence binds you to agree with me in the future. Got you.
  • Trying with all my might to be different; I insisted on fitting the cookie mold.
  • Yesterday old people everywhere issued an apology for existing. ‘it just happened…’ they said,  ‘It’s nobody’s fault’
  • People are dying less as it is recently discovered there is no money in it.
  • The solution to most of my problems is to project confidence. I’m just not sure how to do that.
  • I’m fooling everyone today by telling them it is not April fools day. Suckers
  • Since I couldn’t find any paparazzi around this week, I had to ambush myself as I came out of the shower.
  • Tried to join the outsiders club. But they told me I don’t belong
  • My new pants design feature a no fly zone.
  • You never really hear flies burp. I wonder why that is.
  • Bus drivers really perfected the integration of their work with their commute.
  • The good news is that I do everything equally well. The bad news is that doesn’t set the bar very high.
  • The doctor said that if I take a little more vitamin D, I will appear less blurry in photographs.
  • I was always one to grab life by the horns, and doze off.
  • It looks like my career is taking a turn for the better. They called me from the modeling agency, they like what they see and are looking for someone for those ‘Before’ model shots!
  • Scientists discover that the effects of climate change are  felt even by people who don’t believe in climate change.
  • Bad memory is really the only remedy for bad memories.
  • I feel pasta doesn’t get the credit it deserves in movies. Sex always appears more than pasta. Where in real life it is exactly the opposite.
  • My trick to achieving everything I put my mind to is to put my mind to very little.
  • After 55 years I was hoping my inner voice would become a little more mature. But alas… No. In fact it is throwing a tantrum as we speak.
  • As of today, I’ve been in the process of dying for the past 55 years. This isn’t bad. I could get used to it.
  • Perspectives change rapidly. No earthquake or tsunami here today. I consider this a great day!
  • When I was young I was a little behind in my work. Now that time has gone by, my behind is much larger.
  • Applied to this cool sounding job ‘Eternal Youth position’. Finally turned it down when I found out it was for age two.
  • Using their sophisticated algorithms, the first hackers, the Vikings, hacked into almost anything with their axes.
  • Why people need to invent a boring supernatural when the natural is so super fascinating, is beyond me.
  • To blend in with the new world economy, I am now pretending to be Chinese. nín hǎo.
  • Just realized that God, Fairies and the Flying Spaghetti Monster have exactly the same chance of actually existing. Unfortunate! Because I always wanted to meet the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
  • Science is currently obsessed with proving that superstition actually works.
  • It’s getting worse! I started by lying about my age. But now I am also lying about my height.
  • Bummer. I’m now completely awake.  Lost all pretenses for claiming I’m not.
  • My movie the black schvantz. Didn’t do as good as I expected at the Oscars.
  • Just completed writing the user manual for the famous program ‘hello world׳. Hello world for dummies. Available everywhere.
  • It troubles me that all I have are my own thoughts. Seems very biased.
  • In the middle of filming the story of my life I noticed there was no camera and realized that since 1964 I was just pretending to be someone else.
  • Since I am lying about my age, what does that do to my horoscope?
  • Discovered that reality isn’t all it was cracked up to be. Looking for alternatives.
  • The institute for disposable principles is looking for highly motivated individuals who decided to do absolutely nothing.
  • I’ve completely switched from real medicine to placebos. I’ve also left my doctor and am following the advice of Dr. Suess. Feeling great (except that cat in my hat)
  • I think something is broken. I keep thinking of myself in the first person.
  • If only these walls could talk… We’d have one hell of a boring story.
  • All my life I’ve been searching for the fairer sex, but all I bump into are men and women.
  • Scientists discover that earthquakes have total disregard for the optimism of the area residents.
  • Practice makes perfect. Except for Kamikaze pilots.
  • Is this  a double standard or what? When a poem is touching this is a good thing, but when my cousin Bruno is accused of constantly touching… Not so good.
  • Bad news. I just heard you are only as old as you feel.
  • My superstition is more powerful than yours. My superstition is more powerful than yours. My superstition is more powerful than yours.
  • Trouble. Nature called, but the line was busy.
  • Ha! And they call it a smartphone. I just had to decide what to do with my life… all on my own.
  • I feel it’s unfair that I’m being discriminated against. If it were not for incompetence, that job would’ve been mine!
  • I’m working on work substitute pill. Take one of those and you feel like you worked a full day. Just without the income. Do you think there is a market for this?
  • You reach a point in your life when you don’t care if anyone calls to see how you’re doing. At least that’s what I’m told.
  • Just so I don’t have to admit having no control at all, I’ve decided to adopt the rule that whatever happens… happens. Lets see if I’m wrong now!
  • Just realized that a falling piano has equal probability of falling on someone thinking optimistic thoughts.
  • Humanity is currently breeding for religiosity, conformity and poverty. The resulting breed will be ultra religious, total conformists, and incredibly poor. Way to go humanity!
  • I finally figured what I am really good at… Changing my mind. Or not.
  • The events in the world have totally mobilized us. The Movement for Personal Convenience is meeting on Tuesday to start the revolution. (If there is nothing good on TV)
  • A sunrise is total proof that we are the center of the universe, anyone who doesn’t see that is a complete, unscientific idiot. The fact that the sun makes the extra special effort to be in the right place, at the right time, is proof enough for me.
  • I’m thinking ahead, working on my autobiography so far this is what I have: he was born, he died. I feel it still needs a middle part.
  • I think bathing just once a month classifies me easily as a Renaissance man.
  • I think the restaurant we went to had the same motto as my cell phone company. ‘no service’.
  • Drove past the most useless road sign in the world: ‘Beware of falling rocks’
  • אין לי מזל. אריאלה ממפעל הפיס התקשרה. הודיע לי שאני חייב להם 300 אלף שקל!
  • I’m not saying don’t be a stranger. I’m saying be a stranger that comes over and helps with the dishes.
  • My latest book. ‘It doesn’t have to be hard. Procrastinating made easy’.
  • Slavery is a good example of your perspective being totally different as a result of the role you play.
  • My new App will allow you to share your scream with 5 other participants. (a first in scream sharing).
  • Just remembering how my mom used to walk in when I was in the bath, telling me how adorable it was that I named all the duckies, then saying it was time to wrap it up because they called and I was needed at the office.
  • Is there a name for this syndrome?  In the middle of cursing I invariably insert various accounting terms.
  • If the cable holding the elevator broke and as you were hurtling towards the ground in the elevator, just before you hit bottom, you jumped up as high as you could. Would you be OK? Would that save you?  I worry about these things.
  • To ward off the fans I walked around today incognito. Big glasses and a droopy hat. It seemed to work I was left alone most of the time.
  • Amazing discovery. Scientists discover that asking ‘are we there yet?`’ repeatedly does in fact shorten the trip.
  • I’m a bit worried. After reading that scientists can collect amazing amounts of information from brain waves, I spent an hour in front of the mirror. Bad news.  I don’t think my brain waves…
  • Went to the sauna today and it was a bit uncomfortable. A few of the guys there were trying to picture me with my clothes on.
  • There is a lot of evil in this world besides religion. But religion is the most consistent.
  • Typical. When I told my parents I had decided to pursue a career in  cannibalism, they were less than supportive. They always tried to push me in the direction of their own dreams…
  • A few days ago I just wasn’t feeling myself, then yesterday I was, but they came and told me I can’t do that on the bus.
  • For our friend Judie’s birthday we went to this great show put on by deaf and blind actors. It made me think… with no vision or hearing… On what do you base your prejudices.
  • Huge strides have been made recently in emotional alchemy. It is now possible to transform guilt into apathy using just normal denial !
  • I don’t get the optimism. The silver lining is what?… 2% ? The rest is all cloud.
  • Yesterday I almost had a good idea, but I caught it in time.
  • The scientist said I can blame most of my intelligence problems on my pants, or something like that. I don’t get it.
  • Why obsess endlessly about your troubles when you could just as easily obsess over mine?
  • OK. You convinced me. There is a god. But how do we know there is only one?
  • My grandfather always said “look to the tree for the frog is never late” we never understood my grandfather.
  • My resolution for the coming year is to abandon all previous resolutions. Too much baggage…
January 3rd, 2011|Daily Musings|Comments Off on 2011 Daily Musings
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2010 Daily Musings

  • It’s really unfair. 99% of humanity are giving the rest of us a bad name!
  • I spent three hours at the supermarket today choosing toothpaste. Couldn’t decide if it should be more refreshing, whitening or good for the environment. I feel bad. At the end I compromised. These things are hard.
  • My new book aims to teach anyone to be a dummy. It’s called ‘Dummy for Dummies’. Catchy.
  • My newly developed virus works on the honor system, and respects you as a person. Please delete all files from your computer and send this to 50 of your friends. Peace.
  • I’m afraid humanity is not going to go for all these new electronic books. Much harder to burn.
  • With the holidays and the new year here, I am begging you to please don’t start any new religions this year. We have enough. God bless.
  • I’ve been exposed on WikiLeaks! Turns out that last year I twice said ‘good morning’ when it was not a good morning at all…
  • One small step for man. One huge step for… ouch… where did that come from?
  • I have this trick, I substitute ‘focused’ for ‘self centered’ and ‘highly motivated’ for ‘selfish’. Makes me seem like a better person.
  • To maintain peace at home I’ve invented a toilet seat that is always half up half down.
  • בינתיים לפחות, חל איסור מוחלט להשכיר דירות לרבנים ראשיים.
  • The experiences of the weekend greatly contributed to my autobiography and it now spans both sides of the page.
  • I just figured out that to solve many of humanity’s problems we simply need a device that can make one thing out of the other. Water from garbage. Food from sand. Ok someone now just needs to go and build it. I can’t be expected to do everything around here!
  • Currently working on ‘The making of’ section of my life.
  • They said not to worry many other people are also self centered. I don’t know… I never noticed them.
  • I am pretending to be smarter by not saying too much and by trying to drool less.
  • I’m really excited. I have this idea for a new app for the Internet. You search for something and this program finds things on the Internet relating to that subject. I just hope no one thought of it before me.
  • I used to have a heart of gold but I am trading it in. Too much trouble with security at the airport.
  • My repressed memories are complaining that due to my advancing age I am totally forgetting about them.
  • I know that my point of view is the absolute truth. Why would I believe it if it were not?
  • I’m glad my parents finally decided not to send me to the Naval academy. What’s the point of  studying only about one tiny orifice?
  • In jazz, like in going to the bathroom, you never know exactly how it will turn out
  • Tried superstition for a while. Now I am back to religion. Better food.
  • Left is the side for the west of us
  • Turns out you can have pretty amazing sex on your own. It’s the conversation afterwards that sucks.
  • About five years ago, I was walking down the street when a person approached me and asked me what time it was. Coincidence? I don’t think so. Destiny!
  • To correct people’s perception of me, I decided to lie about my height.
  • I’m devastated. I’ve been poring over the WikiLeaks documents all night. Not one mention of me. Do I even exist?
  • I’m switching from religion to superstition. There is more evidence to back it up.
  • Rare recording of Orville Write found. As his plane was just reaching cruising altitude he is heard to yell out “chicken or beef?”. I guess that is where it all started.
  • תחת תחת תחת. תשובת התורה לפגיעה יותר דרומית
  • I just realized that if I play my thoughts backwards. They actually make sense!
  • I was just standing there. Not on the phone, not reading email, not sending a text message, not Tweeting. What a total waste!
  • This just in. World turns down world peace on account of it not being cool enough.
  • It’s Monday already. How time flies. And now the week is gone.
  • It was one thing after the other. First I discovered polygamy. And now I think I have finally found The Ones!
  • My ‘Overcoming your illiteracy’ program seemed like such a great idea. I don’t understand why no one signed up for it online.
  • In an attempt to make The world a better place our family has pledged to use only  recycled uranium rods for our reactor and only organic ingredients for our ballistic missiles.
  • Even though he is our Guinea pig, he doesn’t like us experimenting on him.
  • It was love at first sight. We realized we had so much in common. Neither of us won the Pulitzer, jumped off a building or ate a puppy. Our future was guaranteed.
  • I’m afraid my new novel ‘An Inconvenient Tooth’ My experience at the dentist, has been overshadowed by that damn Al Gore.
  • I used to be able to relate to human beings. Not any more.  I think I am coming down with Asberger’s. Must have caught it from that guy on the bus.
  • The politics in the office are out of control. I shudder to think what would happen if I weren’t the only person here.
  • Scientists discover that repeatedly asking “are we there yet” actually gets you there 47% faster!
  • I was recently arrested for drunk driving, even though i was not drunk nor was I driving. But, I was thinking about it, they said.
  • Not sure that my job as a nose picker qualifies me for the green job stimulus package.
  • What I really don’t like about re-incarnation is the dying again and again and again business… Who came up with that scheme?
  • My new patented revolutionary Pee test will be on shelves next Tuesday. Pee on it and it turns blue to indicate that you peed on it.
  • The irony is that the association of professional suicide bombers (APSB) is composed entirely of amateurs…
  • I discovered the one thing I am really good at is saying “I told you so”. I wonder how much popularity that will bring me.
  • I sometimes wish I could go back to nature. Well… nature without insects, really cold weather, being eaten or scary noises, that kind of nature.
  • You don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone. I wanted to find out how much money I had so I threw my wallet out the window
  • The career guidance counselor was very helpful narrowing down what I’m good at. I am currently looking for a job where I can criticize people and feel superior. Ideas?
  • When I realized no one cares if I’m miserable, I decided to skip it altogether.
  • Don’t be too harsh. Being hypocritical is double the work.
  • Do you ever get that feeling that you switched your socks and put each on the wrong foot? awkward, but… exciting.
  • Just had a shocking conversation with my parents. They confessed that after my circumcision they made the mistake of raising the wrong part, throwing away the other. Explains some things.
  • Huge failure. The new Google self-driving car was just caught sending a text message while driving to a cute scooter passing by.
  • I’m not here to judge you. But since I am already here … I might as well take care of that as well.
  • Ha. I laughed in their faces. They wanted to replace me (can you believe it?) with a rubber ducky. I told them to replace me they would need at least three of those.
  • It was a new day, though it felt like someone returned an old one, or it was a store model.
  • A few shortcuts that didn’t quite make it WTD (what the duck), LRQ(laughing really quietly) OMD(Oh my dog), RTHM(read the helpful manual).
  • My therapist thinks he is being followed and wants to kill the cleaning woman. I’m starting to think using discountshrinks.com was a mistake
  • I decided to call it a day. It informed me it was only here to fix the TV.
  • Can’t wait to complete the class I’m taking, “becoming an oligarch in three steps”, so I can get out and start usurping the masses.
  • The driver in the car next to mine was signaling me. Apparently I was picking my nose the wrong way.
  • Feeling guilty for not getting the kids a seismologist. The neighbors kids have one.
  • I was told I should write an autobiography, but I really never did enjoy writing about cars.
  • You know… there is only one of us but millions and millions of micro-organisms we carry around in our body. And is there ever even a word of recognition? God forbid… some gratitude?
  • I was just notified by my insurance agent that the best years of my life are behind me.
  • My new study shows that average people have very few extraordinary characteristics.
  • I’m willing to do anything to accomplish my goal. My problem is to figuring out what that is.
  • I didn’t let failure go to my head. I’m still a regular guy. Ask anyone.
  • Turns out being superficial with very low standards saves a lot of time.
  • Got stuck in the closet yesterday, when I finally managed to open the lock, I stayed in for a bit, so people wouldn’t get the wrong idea.
  • Just like Tony Curtis. They came and tried to bury me with my iPhone today. I assured them I wasn’t dead yet. They didn’t believe me but left anyway.
  • I was thinking of bombing Paris this weekend but because of the travel warnings, I canceled the trip
  • I think if people don’t like my chickens they can just wait for the next elevator
  • Life must be a metaphor for something. I can’t exactly figure what.
  • I don’t quite know what to make of the birthday cards I received urging me to “quit while I’m ahead”. And it’s not even my birthday…
  • Some mornings you wake up with a feeling that all is right with the world. This is not one of them.
  • Fturd… The feeling you get when you realize you have just stepped in something that wasn’t supposed to be on the sidewalk.
  • What makes me such a profound pessimist is that deep down I am a total optimist who is constantly being disappointed.
  • Found out that the group I least get along with are people
  • I’m encouraged. I feel my weakness is getting stronger.
  • With therapy I recovered a few repressed memories of mine. But they were so boring I sent them right back to repression
  • I Like oxymorons, except when they contradict themselves.
  • It is absurd to lump people into general groups and anyone who does that is surely an idiot.
  • My new rock band targets an older crowd. ‘The Grateful Dad’.
  • Things have become so bad I had to switch from my standard denial to a backup denial plan
  • It was a dream come true! I went to the supermarket, put the groceries in the car and drove home. What can I do? I have really boring dreams.
  • It’ a shame so few people know that I’m famous.
  • They told me learning math would be as easy as 1,2,7
  • At 54 I finally developed a system for survival. When in doubt, I ask an adult.
  • לא יודע מה לעשות. הסתבר שהיתה לי רק חתימה בינונית
  • I’ve discovered that not everything is declining. My ignorance is growing!
  • I couldn’t have cared less. But then suddenly… I did.
  • Had a flat tire today. Being a methodical person I switched the tires to see if the problem moved along with them.
  • So I was made in the image of my creator? A smelly, lazy, hairy creature that is not sure of anything? Why should I believe in him?
  • To calm my nerves today I tried smoking a little pot, but the handle kept getting in my eye.
  • I’ve recently started tricking people by impersonating myself. Ha. Nobody even suspects…
  • Bummed. My plan to give every person on the planet an enema to achieve world peace was turned down. I think it was worth a try.
  • עם השנים השיער מפסיק לגדול במקומות הרצויים וגדל במקומות משונים. אני זוכר את מה שאני רוצה לשכוח ושוכח את שאני רוצה לזכור. וגרוע מכל אני נרדם כאשר אני רוצה להיות ער ולא מצליח לישון כשצריך. אז… אני מאחל לכולנו שינה טובה ומתוקה.
  • My three trained cockroaches are really something. Any random way I place them on the table… they form a triangle. Scary.
  • I no longer have any bad dreams. Just bad Tweets
  • Even though I’m getting older, I don’t find the thought of death scary. Just my own death.
  • My latest invention. A robot that procrastinates has been received with less enthusiasm than I expected.
  • Failure is an option! It might actually be the best case scenario.
  • The one with the big boobs. The priest let out a big burp. Well… That’s what you think! Becoming suddenly aware of how short life is, I am going right for the punch lines.
  • I don’t like the level of salmonella showing up in eggs nowadays. I think I’ll buy the salmonella separately and do the mixing myself.
  • I was watching the science channel. Three scientists proved they definitely exist and then vanished in a puff of smoke.
  • I was expecting someone would come over and provide an idea that would give new meaning to life. But no… I have to do everything around here myself!
  • Don’t understand what the big deal is. I just put a square peg in a round hole.
  • 27% of life consists of moving food to a smaller container.
  • You never hear about Finland. I am getting very, very suspicious.
  • Ha. People claim to be tolerant, but since I switched to cannibalism I notice a subtle reluctance of my friends to come over for dinner.
  • I’m glad the kids will be coming over to work for career day. Just not sure they will be able to hop off and on the garbage truck on time
  • My cliche “The thighs are the window to a mans soul” has been rejected by the Cliche Committee. Ach…. so close!
  • My new service puts you in pictures from a place of your choosing. Much cheaper than going, and you can bore your friends just the same.
  • I’m having second thoughts about the cell phone plan I chose which gives them the right to come over and take anything they like from my fridge whenever they feel like it.
  • My new, and highly effective breakup line has just been patented. “It’s not me. It’s you.” Feel free to use it, just mail in those royalties
  • I finally found the group I belong to, Misanthropes. But I can’t stand them either.
  • Wow! Just discovered you can simply turn the TV off. What a total waste of 48 years.
  • My new product, Edible Hats comes in handy with bets gone bad.
  • My dream was always to have my cake and Edith too.
  • Just finished reading the small type on the auto insurance. It’s not bad I think. They will cover all expenses except when any damage occurs.
  • If god really did exist, would we even have bad hair days?
  • My autobiography was dramatically improved by adding a coloring section.
  • I’m skipping depression and going directly to meta depression. That is when you are depressed about being depressed.
  • My new courses in consumer arts opens next week. Come study buyology
  • I was shocked to discover my ancestors did not arrive from an exotic mountain range in Africa but from a small village in Poland. Who knew?
  • I don’t get it . My neighbor just told me his grass is greener. Maybe he doesn’t understand how these things work
  • Thinking about my great great uncle who was aiming for stardom but settled for a good bowl of soup.
  • Yesterday I was walking down the street when… Hold on… That wasn’t me.
  • Just realized that at 54 I need to stop referring to myself as newborn.
  • In a conference last week 76% of the world’s scientists agreed they don’t know what they are talking about.
  • The doctor was trying to figure out why I was complaining to him about pains in my stomach. Simple, no one else would listen.
  • For my long awaited comeback next year, I am planning a reunion.
  • Last week my unconscious took over and is now running things. Suddenly its trying to figure ME out.
  • A few months ago in the middle of washing dishes I suddenly developed washer’s block. Can’t wash a single dish since that day.
  • I finally decided to visit Nigeria and see how this country creates all these wonderful generous people who make amazing, selfless offers to strangers.
  • Our place is so clean, you can eat of the floor. But boy is that uncomfortable…
  • We are all mere pixels in the great Google earth picture. (Confucius)
  • One reason I don’t use the teleporter any more is that I never remember where I left things.
  • What immunizes me against all the humiliation I suffer is knowing that I am royalty. And they can’t take that away from me.I was telling the doctor about the pain in my nose and ears. He said it was all in my head.
  • My new venture ‘the retroactive news agency’ is taking off with a new angle. we tell you what happened last week. OK. not too interesting, but very accurate.
  • The best thing about the human race is… Oh, bother, I forget.
  • There is no need to be all that pessimistic. It might look like the sky is falling on you, but it is only a piano.
  • I am, therefore I think.
  • My hair has asked for a tweeter account of it’s own. I asked why. ” the world deserves to know”
  • For years, I’ve always been nonchalant, then suddenly yesterday out of the blue I started being chalant. Go figure…
  • The fact that my therapist keeps falling asleep in my sessions is not doing a lot for my ego.
  • In order to combine pleasure and profitability, I decided to date a business model.
  • No one else at the office seemed to realize it was ‘come in naked covered in chicken feathers’ day. Didn’t they get the memo?
  • One surefire way I’ve found for falling asleep is pretending I’ve written an autobiography, and someone is reading it back to me.
  • We now have an anthropologist who moved in to study us. She observes and takes notes. We pretend sucking on the corner of the carpet is an ancient custom.
  • I was recently picked up by the police for being a really nice guy. My neighbors said I always looked like a murderous pedophile to them.
  • Just noticed that when people say they couldn’t care less they could… And they do.
  • I think I have a mild case of identity theft. I find myself claiming others people’s ideas,
  • My secret to happiness is retroactively adjusting my goals to things I’ve already achieved.
  • A while ago I received my certificate saying I was finally ready for real life. A week later they said there was some mistake and they want me to send it back.
  • I’m disappointed. I was hoping someone would come over and say ‘everything is taken care of, go do as you please.’ Really. Is that too much to ask for?
  • It’s not that I have no stamina. I just have no energy to use it.
  • Just got a note in the mail telling me it is unclear how millions of years of evolution culminated in ME. They still are trying to pinpoint where the mistake happened.
  • I’ve come to the conclusion of what I want people to be saying as they walk past my coffin: ‘I think I just saw him move’.
  • Where do you look up ‘Dictionary’ if you don’t know what it means?
  • The doctor said I should come back tomorrow with a urine sample, a stool sample and a semen sample. I told him there is no need for me come back tomorrow and just left him my underwear.
  • People think that because I’m quiet I’m listening to them. I’m really listening to me.
  • Ah. I see you are unimpressed , well… If you only knew me when I was rich, handsome, famous and tall…
  • One of my friends on Facebook suggested that we get together some time. I looked it up but I still don’t understand what that means.
  • I thought it wasn’t fair of the doctor to tell my daughter she will have to be a little patient. It’s not as if she chose to be small.
  • I told my therapist I was turning invisible and tried to set up an appointment . He said he couldn’t see me.
  • Bummer. I’m taking a sausage making class. The dog just ate my homework.
  • It’s just been established that a substantial part of my life consists of very lifelike hallucinations. The next challenge is figuring out which parts. God I hope it’s the bad bits, otherwise I’m screwed.
  • The depressing thing about walking around with my frog is that everyone ignores me and only talks to him. I’m never included in the conversation.
  • The Vuvuzela players union claims soccer games are too distracting, and files a motion to have them removed from stadium.
  • As opposed to fellow sufferers of anorexia, when I point out that I am overweight others agree.
  • One day I’ll show them that they were all wrong. Of course I need to be right first.
  • The long lines at the ‘Thinking Differently” seminar are a bit of a turn off
  • I’m having a great nose hair day.
  • I find it is a problem being alone with me. I just don’t shut up
  • My latest blood test came back with encouraging results. This time it showed signs of life.
  • The winner in the Losers competition was totally shocked by his win and then instantly disqualified.
  • Changed my mind about taking that course “Asserting your free will”. Tried to cancel. They informed me it was too late and I must attend.
  • My just diagnosed condition ‘Etan’s Syndrome’ is where the patient is terribly ill, yet feels perfectly fine. One day a cure will be found.
  • I think therefore I complain.
  • There was no need but…Yesterday I was a bit bored so I reinvented the wheel. Came out nice. Round.
  • Want to climb up a roof with a machine gun and shoot everything in sight? There is an App for that.
  • My days of being a smug pretentious annoying asshole are over. I’ve discovered a way of being smug and pretentious without being annoying.
  • Our language is so inaccurate. An example: yesterday as I was walking around, I saw a man eating chicken!
  • The doctor said I should stop playing the flute, at least for a while, at least while he’s examining me.
  • Without a loved one we’d all be walking around days on end with parsley stuck between our front teeth
  • Once I get my weight under control I’ll stop worrying about this Anorexia nonsense.
  • They say indifference is much worse than outright dislike. I’ll take indifference any day.
  • Just left the museum. What struck me was that all the artists, no matter how successful were dead. Makes you wonder what’s the point
  • The voices of reason are all fine and good. But they are no fun…
  • Four more days to go! Then I start the countdown again
  • I decided to dedicate my life to pseudo science, become a pseudo-scientist, making pseudo inventions to better so-called humanity
  • Remembered what day it was today, and didn’t drool as much. One should be thankful of what one has.
  • This fear of typing is getting stronger every day, don’t know how long I will be able to … Yaaaaa!
  • Do you think we might be able to take advantage of the situation in Greece to solve the Israeli Palestinian conflict. We could probably buy Greece for about 4 Drachmas. There are possibilities here…
  • What is stopping me from using my time machine more frequently is not knowing what clothes bring along.
  • My doctor said I was just plain eating wrong, I guess the carrot in my ear is what set him off.
  • Old is the new young.
  • My stockbroker told me it is a dream market. Which is great, because I have many dreams I would like to get rid of.
  • My new line of men’s perfume ‘nausea’ is aimed at blending into your daily life. The lineup will include: ‘hangover’, ‘old socks’ and ‘morning breath’
  • The winner of the Self-Centered-Person contest was shocked to discover there were other contestants
  • Contrary to other joggers obsession with distance. I concentrate on quality. I run three feet, but you should see my posture!
  • Spending another Saturday morning working on my Oscar acceptance speech was probably a waste. There is still so much time till the event
  • God’s dismal success rate has recently effected his self esteem, he doesn’t believe in himself and is turning into an atheist.
  • Just got word of Apple’s new product. The Apple adult diaper… the iPeed
  • I’m struck by the similarities between me and Charles Darwin. Except of course for him being British, dead, and revolutionizing science and the way we look at life.
  • My chauvinist teacher keeps talking about the importance of history. Not a word about her story.
  • My latest project, cell phones for the dead, is coming along. They look nice, have fantastic sound quality. But still have problems with reception.
  • Our new service could be for you. If you are unemployed and don’t want to do that any more, we will find someone to do that for you in a third world country!
  • In retrospect, I’m not sure putting ‘hypocrite’ on my business card was such a good move.
  • I discovered I am nostalgic for things that haven’t happened yet.
  • I was wondering whether people who use sign language get Tourette’s syndrome, and if yes, what does that do to the furniture?
  • Screw the calendar. In my eyes I’m still a teenager.
  • I spend a lot of time thinking about other people and come up with great ideas for how they could improve themselves.
  • Our guest really left an impression yesterday. Today I called him and asked him to come by and pick it up.
  • My therapist comforted me by telling me that he’s never seen an inferiority complex as enormous as mine.
  • Are you sick and tired of complaining about everything. Our new service will find someone to do that for you in India. Outkvetching. Its the next thing.
  • The good news is… the existence of God has just been proven, The bad news… He doesn’t believe in people.
  • My plan was to spend the morning with a terrible headache. I love it when a plan just works perfectly
  • Today they asked for all my money and told me that I was not gullible. I believe them.
  • I was just told that my elderly aunt has been bedridden for quite a while. How is that even possible? she is so frail!
  • I said I was ready to pack it in and call it a day. My wife said I should probably get out of bed and go to work
  • The endorphins after a session at the gym left me with a can do spirit. I can fail, I can fall flat on my face, I can be stopped!
  • I am open to all new ideas as long as they don’t contradict mine
  • I was once described as living Smaller than life. That’s a complement, right?
  • My finals in telepathy class are due on Sunday, either that or the instructor was thinking of his ex again. It’s tricky sometimes.
  • I worry that I’m too neurotic. Should I be worrying about that? Does everyone else? Are you sure?
  • Bad News…My pet mosquito died today. Shame, I was training him to be a spy.
  • Now I’m kind of glad we didn’t go with our second choice ‘Eyjafjallajokull’ for our daughter’s name.
  • It’s never too late to become a pessimist. You can do it. Probably not.
  • This was person unlike anyone else. He caused a reaction in you. You either loved him, hated him or remained completely indifferent.
  • The good thing about guns is that they come with their own killer app.
  • My chiropractor says he can’t do anything else for me until the spare parts arrive.
  • The only thing stopping me from being a great humanitarian is very little energy and no interest in humanity.
  • People who’s mantra is ‘Always a dull moment’. Please stay away from me.
  • My definition of ‘young’ seems to be constantly changing. My definition of ‘idiot’ seems to remain constant.
  • Between the mosquito who bit me and me who squashed it on my knee, I was involved. But he was committed…
  • The Child Molesters Union (CMU) is claiming that the Vatican is using its international presence to unfairly corner the market.
  • I wonder if the first person to use plagiarism came up with it himself or did he steal the idea from someone else?
  • Breaking with the current trend, in our cinema, you put a paper bag over your head as we show you one dimensional films.
  • My neighbor the child molester is complaining that the Vatican is giving his occupation a bad name.
  • Watching people in the mall today took away the last remnant of belief I had in Intelligent Design.
  • I don’t know if something is wrong with me, but I recently realized that I’m completely addicted to food!
  • I was surprised that ‘serial killer’ got so little focus in career day at the school.
  • Spent some time watching ants today. Boy do we have a lot to learn. From tomorrow I too am starting to schlep dead cockroaches.
  • I’m afraid that deep deep deep down I’m superficial.
  • Pesach got me thinking. If scripture was handed down from a superior being, how come it contains no knowledge that was not available at the time (where is China, Saturn, The north pole or germs)?
  • Very disappointing. I just received a note from history. My request for a footnote has been rejected
  • I finally gave up and decided to become a perfectionist
  • I don’t get it. Those that can… do, and those that can’t… teach. What about those that can’t teach?
  • בשנה הבאה בני תחורים
  • I used to know the secret to remembering everything.
  • The Vatican: No child’s behind left.
  • I think nausea is wasted on nauseous people.
  • I’m getting scared that God really doesn’t like us atheists.
  • I think it is wrong to treat everyone as you treat yourself. They don’t all deserve that mild disdain.
  • My headache notified me today that it was having a mild case of human.
  • My new outsourcing service is fully operational. From now on I will be providing guilt feelings to those not willing to dedicate the resources for that themselves.
  • It’s not clear to me how with time everyone else becomes less and less interesting to me while I remain totally fascinating. Maybe they are just too self absorbed?
  • I try to stay away from people who agree with me. They are showing bad judgment. Don’t you agree?
  • The only thing stopping me from becoming a truly great author is bad writing skills and no idea for a story.
  • Our guest really left an impression yesterday, perhaps we shouldn’t have allowed the elephant to step on him.
  • I am one with the universe, and this morning the universe had a splitting headache.
  • Thank you everyone for the birthday wishes! It was of course a huge mistake. There is no way I am getting older. I am , however, keeping the presents for quality assurance purposes.
  • This is embarrassing… I only today discovered that homeopathic doesn’t mean ‘very nice gay person’
  • On my way home yesterday I got a little drunk at the bar. I don’t know what to do with him, but he’s cute.
  • My new holistic garage is now open for business. We use homeopathic engine oil, diluted a million to one and fix bodywork with aromatherapy. We are just the facilitator, the trick is to convince the car to heal itself.
  • I woke up thinking I was hearing the sounds of spring. Turns out it was the sound of springs
  • I’m worried. This morning I was laying in bed and for a few seconds I stopped worrying. Is that normal?
  • Good news! My calculations show that if each of us eats only three people around him we can still save the planet.
  • Just tried spreading my laptop on the floor and painting the bathroom. Let me tell you… the Internet is no substitute for newspapers.
  • The good thing about human nature is that we all share it. The bad thing is that it is nothing to write home about.
  • I am currently between unemployments.
  • I tweet therefore I am.
  • The future looked bright. I was going to be a pessimist. But, already I realized, I’d started out on the wrong foot.
  • My latest article ‘The proliferation of superfluous irrelevant data volumes 1 , 2, and 3’ appears tomorrow.
  • I was thinking that the least I could do was to paint my head nicely to make things interesting for Google earth users.
  • My slogan ‘I have a cream’ was somehow, not as catchy as the competition.
  • It’s weird that I find it so much easier to criticize other people than to do things myself.
  • Old age is wasted on old people.
  • Last week my identity was stolen just to be returned today in a brown paper bag. The note said ‘fine… you be you’
  • I always was hyperactive. I was just never any good at it.
  • If life is no picnic, how do you explain all the insects.
  • I feel awful. I think I might have grabbed someone else’s fortune cookie and right now there is someone whose lucky number is 17 and he doesn’t even know it.
  • The world is divided into two. Things that are mentioned in this sentence and those that aren’t. Oops, there goes my world order.
  • I discovered I can’t help but get old. My remedy,  be incredibly immature.
  • The fortune cookie said I should concentrate on my strong points. So from now on I am going to be extremely average
  • As long as I eat my lettuce, take my vitamins and brush my teeth, I will live for ever.
  • What I hate more than hearing Mosquitoes buzzing overhead is hearing them burp.
  • I realize now that hair is just the side effect of dandruff’s stubborn fight for survival.
  • Reality is everything that happens beyond this thick fog.
  • Just figured it out. My new strategy. Create a plan to loose tons of money, use my normal tactics and fail miserably.
  • I finally realize what I want to be when I grow up…. Really old.
  • Thinking about my great uncle who thought he was marrying for money but eventually discovered he had married for love when he realized there was no money.
  • Overheard a conversation between two ants. One of them was saying he believes there is a superior being that can control their lives. I squashed them both to stop that silly superstition from spreading.
  • My neighbor was making a lot of noise clapping with just one hand, I asked him to stop. He told me he was just a metaphor
  • I always knew I would grow up to be a pessimist. But I didn’t know how good I would be at it.
  • People are often offended when I call them scumbags even though I use the positive meaning of the word.
  • If I could do it all over again, I would skip writing this.
  • The anticipation of trying on new socks is making it nearly impossible to get any work done.
  • Spent the day trying to become a ventriloquist for body odor.
  • By reading my status you are agreeing to see all things from now on from my point of view. Gotcha!
  • The media who claim to be responsible for creating my personality, have issued a recall. I now need to show up and have it readjusted. Who knows, maybe it will get rid of my mean streak.
  • I was amazed that in their acceptance speeches not one of the nominees at the Grammy’s even mentioned soup.
  • Given really good bread in the morning. I think I could endure torture for the rest of the day.
  • Experimenting with mind control. I have just completed my first successful attempt at remotely changing someone’s mind and then changing it right back before they even noticed. This is quite amazing!
  • Flaunting my modesty is what I do best. Better than anyone else.
  • Just back from the patent office where I have three patents pending. All I have to do now is come up with ideas for them.
  • I was just cleared of all charges in the embezzlement case! My big dilemma… Do I keep the money?
  • Sometimes I think the gene pool needs it’s filter changed
  • A copy of the brief that documented my brief case of the flu was left in the brief case just in case the brief was lost. It was, with the case. The lost case. (Sorry. it’s late)
  • My big dilemma is this… If my goal is to do nothing, how do I know when I’ve achieved it?
  • Working on my new venture ‘Life Lite’ for when the real thing is just a little bit too much
  • I think I’ve learned how to live with uncertainty. But I’m not sure.
  • My Motto for the day: Where shit is abundant… Stay away from fans.
  • The genie that popped out of the bottle I found in the yard said he would grant me three wishes. My wishes were: (1)Cut it out with all that smoke, (2)Something cold to drink, (3)Get rid of that annoying itch in my nose. Completely forgot about world peace…
  • Constantly searching for new ideas. The only criteria is that they need to exactly match my old ones.
  • The closer I get to knowing something for sure, the more confused I get. At least I think that’s true.
  • What was it called when Freud slipped on the soap in the shower?
  • I Just had the most annoying argument with a ventriloquist. The furniture all took his side.
  • Just looking at the pile of ‘happy new year’ greetings. Do we really have any proof that this new year isn’t just a recycled old one?
  • Trying out these rose colored glasses to see things in a more optimistic way. It isn’t exactly working. Everything is still hopeless but pink.
  • Man…It’s lonely at the top. Down here it is damn crowded.
  • Not feeling like myself today, Don’t know who said that.
  • My plan is to become a pessimist. But, I don’t think it will work…
  • The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. In fact it doesn’t make a difference where you make the first cut. It’s equally messy.
  • This afternoon I felt like a stroll, which is strange because I don’t look anything like a stroll.
  • Just arrived at the realization that no one really cares. Now who do I tell this to?
  • Just discovered I can play the violin equally as well with my left hand
  • Disappointed that my submission to the ‘Going Green Idea Book’, was turned down. They said ‘picking your nose’ was too general.
  • Trying to fall asleep. Wondering what is the opposite of medium?
  • People who know me will tell you that I am famous for my anonymity.
  • My time machine and microwave have joined forces against me. I can now only make popcorn yesterday.
  • There are so many ways to arrive at the wrong conclusion. My challenge is to find the best one.
  • I just realized what a total waste third grade was. I’ve written in, asking for a refund.
  • Now that I realize it’s futile to lie about my age. I lie about the date.
January 1st, 2010|Daily Musings|Comments Off on 2010 Daily Musings
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2009 Daily Musings

  • My new venture “The Guilt Channel” is nearly complete. It will feature programming to make you feel guilty 24/7, in HD
  • Note to kidnappers who kidnapped my wife a few months ago. Would it be possible to release her for a couple of hours? I can’t find the TV remote.
  • I don’t understand why people insist on discussing other topics when it is so much more interesting discussing me
  • I was just informed I won the laconic expression competition. My response: ‘ah’
  • I’m trying out these new glasses. Put them on and the whole world looks 3D. Amazing!
  • My experiment of double clicking people in the street to see what they are thinking was not entirely successful. However the doctor says I can go home soon
  • There are days where you just put yourself aside and think about humanity and the greater good. Today is not one one of those days.
  • My system is to use logic to arrive at the wrong conclusions with more confidence
  • I always knew what I wanted to be when I grew up… A pessimist
  • I am finally within reach of becoming what Einstein was… Old
  • They would probably get much better results if the conference on global warming were held in the summer. We have no memory…
  • The doctor said there were only three others he knew of with my condition. I guess eating chicken while scuba diving in high heels and pajamas isn’t all that common
  • I find that very often it is just time that stands between me and being punctual
  • I think I am just too broadminded to take my own side in an argument.
  • Following the current evolutionary trajectories, in ten years humanity’s sole purpose will be feeding Facebook
  • I was thinking man needs religion like a fish needs a bicycle, but realized that was wrong. With time a fish could learn to pedal.
  • My fear of open spaces is equal only to my fear of closed places. It’s an ongoing dilemma.
  • People. Please stop calling to ask whether I won the Nobel chemistry prize. It hurts enough as it is
  • Feeling somewhat Ill today, scenes from my life started flashing before my very eyes. After a while I got a bit tired and asked the actors to go home. Those kids really want their inheritance.
  • My new attempt at a smash hit “I did it sideways” is receiving only lukewarm responses.
  • Yesterday I had a profound religious experience. I suddenly believed in a cruel yet primitive creator and hated anyone who didn’t.
  • There is some justice. As compensation for not getting any sense of humor the Germans were given an hilarious accent.
  • More trouble with my time machine. It is now stuck at a constant pace one hour per hour. What a nightmare…
  • My new cookbook for men really only has one recipe in it. ‘melt cheese over it’
  • A depressing thought. Right now I might be at my very best!
  • Just realized I have an enormous advantage over the great personalities, the creators of our civilization… I am alive.
  • I think I solved the problem of how to overcome jealousy. Have everything!
  • I’m planning my own birthday party. it’s a surprise party, so the idea is to do it on a date I least expect it.
  • If lunch is served at night is it still lunch? What does it feel about itself? These things bother me
  • I have a huge problem. My time machine broke down and the guy who fixes it only opens in 2075.
  • My way of fighting non conformity is by disagreeing with no one.
  • Every time I look at myself in the mirror I look younger and younger, until I try it with my glasses on.
  • Surprise happens when you least expect it.
  • Turns out (shut up already) that I (smelly butt) am one of only a few people (WTF?) to develop (growl) Writer’s Torett’s (burp) syndrome.
  • Sick and tired of having to come up with my own conversation text. I am getting a teleprompter with three content packages. ‘You and the arts’, ‘ooh isn’t that interesting’ and ‘talking sports’.
  • Was planning on a good juicy nightmare, but got a happy ending instead. Bummer.
  • I was thinking of getting my life in order and finally finding purpose and meaning, but something more interesting came up.
  • The way I deal with my short attention span is by… wow did you see that??
  • Had a great hair day today. The rest of me… not so much
  • My car is really slow. I have to repeat each traffic light three times until it gets it
  • I have decided to skip working on my climb to stardom and go directly to producing the comeback.
  • Scientists discover that to a banana everything looks like a banana
  • My current plan is to revive my old patent for nose hair and start charging commission. I am just back from the post office and and a quick look around tells me I have it made.
  • In private, I’m an extrovert.
  • My newly developed system (pyrocommuting) let’s firemen work from home
  • Leave it to humanity to take fantastically useful tools such as fingernails and turn them into an ugly painted ornament that stops you from doing anything useful.
  • I think I am going to stop bringing my security blanket to meetings. Maybe not immediately, but eventually.
  • Working on my mind over matter skills. Can currently make furniture stay still.
  • wondering why I climbed all the way to the top of the food chain and then always order salad.
  • Google’s new google-demic program can get you any disease you want for free. of course there is some advertising to go through. But still…
  • Finding it difficult to get the non-conformist union started. I don’t get it…They won’t sign up.
  • Cut a worm in half and it goes ‘what was that? oh never mind, where were we going?’ I cut my pinkie on a piece of paper yesterday. I’m spending the day in bed.
  • Trying to sign up to this ‘Using your time effectively’ seminar. Been on the phone with them for 3 hours.
  • Working on my Evolving Office Furniture line. This is furniture that applies Darwinian natural selection principals to its design. Every so often your chair mutates slightly. If it is more comfortable, you use it, otherwise you kick it and it tries again.
  • Enough already. I am thinking of just giving up the daily struggle and settling on becoming a handsome, successful, talented media tycoon who does some composing on the side.
  • Turns out the only things keeping the newspaper industry alive are a fish and chip shop in London and Ms. Parker’s paper mache workshop.
  • Just read that ear hair has an evolutionary purpose of protection and sanitation. I think it is just a really effective form of birth control.
  • It would be nice if once in a while one of my dreams included me… Who does the casting for these things?
  • Great… Now I won’t find out if I’ve won the thriftiness competition. Sold the phone.
  • Frustrated because when I walk around with my imaginary friend, people tend to talk to him and ignore me altogether.
  • Reached a status quo with the GPS. I don’t call him stupid and he doesn’t say ‘recalculating’ with quite as much contempt as before.
  • I will only sign up to the non-conformist union if everyone else does.
  • Went to the gym again today. Haven’t figured out all those machines, but the cafeteria is great.
  • Working on my mind reading skills. Currently I can only read minds of people who think exactly like me. It’s a start.
  • This afternoon I felt like a snack. It was bad. I never knew how horrible snacks felt
  • If I were in my shoes I would do things in a completely different way.
  • New research verifies it is better to be young, healthy and rich than old, poor and ugly.
  • If you find one page in scripture of any religion that you can totally agree with… you are not paying attention.
  • My Just when you Need Them (JWYNT) Shoe system is almost ready for market. Attach what you need to the bottom of your shoe. Snow for skiing, carpet for softer walking, grass for the nature walk. Your personal environment, exactly where you need it.
  • Today felt exactly like a Wednesday. I was dismayed to find out it was Thursday. Can I trust anything anymore?
  • Not feeling like myself today, but what do I know. This could be the real thing and I’ve been living a lie till now
  • To eliminate confusion I am now requiring all people I deal with to use thought balloons, you know, the ones in comic books that show what you are thinking. Why do I have to be constantly guessing?
  • Checked out the small print on my life insurance: ‘good for three heart attacks or a teenager, whatever comes first’
  • ‘Relationships are all about people’. And they want me to pay for that seminar?
  • Yesterday I attended a stubbornness competition. They told me it was over, but I refuse to go home.
  • If God wanted me to be a better person he would have given me the ability to do so.
  • ‘I’m a PC’, ‘I’m a Mac’ are fun but I find at my age I am more attracted to ‘I’m a heartburn’, ‘I’m high blood pressure’
  • I tried to minimize my failures by doing less, but that didn’t work either.
  • Glass floor discovered. Turns out there is a limit to how little a rich white male executive can make compared to his female cor minorities counterpart.
  • Just finished first in the international modesty championship. My acceptance speech: ‘it was really nothing’.
  • Google’s new AdFriends system, monitors everything you say via a little under the skin implant. Any time you mention one of the sponsors to your friends Goggle pays you 2.4 cents. Drink Coke.
  • I’ve discovered that my closet is a magical doorway to a world that is all underwear, socks and old sweaters.
  • My firm offers a perforated lead parachute. If I’m fired… I owe them money for every month of employment.
  • Bad news. the organization of average persons sent me a note. I am no longer welcome
  • My therapist said he feels that he is constantly being watched. I’m worried about him. I might remove the wiretap.
  • Our marketing department just came back with the message of what we are looking for. It needs to target 22 to 24 year olds, be blue with some chrome, not offend vegetarians and cost about $63.95. They said we need to hire a consultant to figure out what it actually does.
  • If everyone is different, doesn’t it make them basically the same?
  • Apple just sent an agent over to take away my iPhone. ‘Wrong demographic’ they claimed.
  • At the end of the day what matters is whether you used expressions like ‘at the end of the day’ or say something meaningful.
  • The only way to insure your happiness is with MetLife. ‘Your frown is our loss.
  • Turns out cats can’t be taught how to sew on buttons. That was a total waste of electricity.
  • Just ironing out the kinks of my latest screenplay, a larger than life saga of a young man who goes out in search of love but settles for a good sandwich.
  • Who did Adam and Eve’s kids sleep with to make the next generation? That explains a few things…
  • Felt rebellious today. The sign said ‘Cross Here’. I didn’t. The warranty said ‘Read before using’. I didn’t. Not sure where this is all leading. Very Scary.
  • Started thinking inside the box. It was getting too crowded outside.
  • The public restroom sign said ‘put nothing but toilette paper in the toilette’. No wonder the place was so disgusting.
  • No one ever started a war over soup. That is just one of the reasons I would take soup over religion any day.
  • If we could just get germs to wash their hands we’d have far fewer diseases to worry about.
  • I hear them whispering behind my back. I know they are talking about my paranoia.
  • השנה היורה כבר הגשים את עצמו
  • Thought of going to the naval academy, then reconsidered. How interesting can one orifice be?
  • Took the GPS in to be repaired. Couldn’t find my way back home.
  • The driver into whose lane I seemed to have drifted claimed I had called him a descendant of a female canine and concluded that I had performed sexual acts with my maternal parent. The experience left me scared without excrement.
  • Met this guy I liked and talked to him. After a while I unliked him so I decided to untalk to him
  • Pondering what the past will look like tomorrow. OK… That got old, lets check the fridge.
  • Went to see the zerologist to evaluate the void. I asked him what’s wrong… Nothing
  • My GPS has persuaded other appliances of mine to to take his point of view. The microwave is now also convinced I’m an idiot.
  • My newly patented process takes ordinary bread and with the help of a household toaster… turns it into coal! Energy problems… Goodbye
  • Just hired my mom to lead the anti – nepotism campaign.
  • My therapist says that running home to listen to ‘no new messages’ is a sign I am lonely. I don’t know… I have him as a friend.
  • I am a big fan of natural gas. As I get older it is becoming a bigger and bigger part of my life
  • Now a slave to the GPS’s moods. Every cold, disgusted ‘recalculating’ leaves me devastated.
  • There are just too many of us. Everyone seems to think there are too many of the other guys and just the right amount of us. But they are thinking the exact same thing.
  • Announcing the soothsayer’s annual gala dinner. If you need to ask when and where, you don’t belong.
  • They told me I would emerge from the seminar a new man. Didn’t work. I would recognize that body odor anywhere.
  • Their slogan said ‘expect the unexpected’. I did. Nothing happened. Which is what I expected…
  • Our marketing department are onto an undiscovered market niche. Sleeping bags for camels. Finally we have a chance of cornering the market.
  • Our group is right and everyone else is wrong. If you are in my group and still think I am wrong… then guess what… you are not in my group either
  • My eyeglass prescription expired yesterday. Now I can’t see a thing.
  • My current project is a pill that grows fur on your tongue. That way you can brush whenever you like.
  • The policeman claimed that in a 50 miles an hour zone I was going 78 miles an hour. I assured him I was only planning on driving half and hour.
  • The one reason I want to get swine flu is to pass it on to all those mosquitoes. Get back at them after all these years.
  • My theory is that all conspiracy theorists secretly work for the government
  • Got a letter from a Nigerian general. ‘Send me the information of your bank account. I want to empty it’, I appreciate the fresh, honest approach. That is a scam I can work with.
  • My therapist asked me how worried I was about my inferiority complex. -‘Less than other people would be’
  • I went to sleep feeling safe. The paper band on the hotel toilette said ‘put here for your protection’. Let’s see anyone try to harm me now.
  • The sign said ‘Disabled Parking’ but it looked perfectly fine to me.
  • I am a vegetarian. I’m just not very good at it.
  • Just received a letter from France. It said ‘Just stop it already. Please’
  • After figuring out the best cell phone plan, getting unlimited text messages, a really fast Internet connection, three email accounts and skype, I realized I have absolutely no one to write to. Still, what a deal
  • Just back from the zoo. I was amazed to spot an elephant shaped like a cloud.
  • Here is why it is really important to stay focused and tend to things immediately… Aw.. never mind.
  • The patent office rejected my ice to water process patent application. Prior art they claimed.
  • Had this dream where all the relatives of every animal I ever ate, were waiting outside my door to take revenge. When I woke up I realized that was silly, We ate the relatives too.
  • I’m shooting for achievable goals. Next week’s target… don’t annoy Finland.
  • When one person behaves this way we call it obsessive compulsive disorder. When many do, we call it religion.
  • I know every one of us can think of people that should be excluded from democracy because they are just wrong.
  • Doing my part in fighting the swine flue. Ripped out Piglet from all our Pooh books.
  • The two things that are preventing me from becoming a great philanthropist: Lack of money and a mild dislike of the human race.
  • Without our stuff we would be nothing. Our lives revolve around wanting stuff, getting stuff, organizing it, and getting rid of it. And it never even cares about us.
  • Spilled some milk today. I cried. Who made up that stupid rule anyway?
  • Turns out you can eliminate swine flu altogether by flossing. The problem is getting the pig to stand still.
  • Thinking of getting a split personality. Having just one FaceBook status at a time is just too limiting.
  • The email server notified me they are keeping my password but want to replace me.
  • When I am happy, the world is a better place. That’s why it is important that everyone see to it that I am happy. Not for my sake, but for the general good.
  • My grease stained T shirt developed a conspicuous clean spot, making it embarrassing to go out with.
  • Dreams are just practice runs so that we know what to do when we bump into the real thing.
  • Slept like a baby last night. Now have to somehow clean the bed.
  • Putting the finishing touches on my latest book ‘single pixel compositions’. (A free pixel is included for reader experiments)
  • Don’t you just hate it when people are constantly texting and on their phones and ignore real life. Ooops got to go, that’s my exit.
  • It’s not that I am not a visionary. It’s just that my vision is for things that already happened.
  • Thinking about anxiety. It is natural, renewable and compared to other natural resources, it multiplies the more people there are. You see… there is cause for optimism
  • I’m not that old. I just seem that way.
  • My dentist just told me that he has been practicing for the past 24 years. I’m thinking if he still didn’t get it maybe he should try something else.
  • I thought it was my inner voice, but it was the GPS again.
  • My temporary insanity defense plea was thrown out when they proved it wasn’t temporary.
  • Strangely enough. The same people who deny evolution… have been really successful avoiding it.
  • While driving around, I’ve started having conversations with my GPS. ‘How do you think I should improve my life?’ -‘Recalculating’ he always answers.
  • The excitement of new socks has been keeping me giddy all day.
  • My group hates xenophobes and anyone not from our group
  • Something is really wrong with my camera. People in my pictures are so much happier looking than in the actual events (though not as sharp).
  • Why am I the central character in all my thoughts? Why not give someone else a chance? Why so self centered? There I go again…
  • Managed to train our turtle to guard the house, and he is really diligent. He just notified me that someone tried to break into the garage last Tuesday.
  • My talking aspirin dispenser is giving me a headache.
  • The greatest advantage of space travel, and the reason I am so interested… No Mosquitoes
  • They asked me if I could possibly volunteer my time for the cause. I said sure. They can have November of 1992, I never really enjoyed it all that .
  • Gravity Deniers Unite!, meeting held on the 14th floor of the Marriott hotel. (please enter via the west side windows)
  • I just read that you can start a black hole by throwing a dehumidifier into the ocean. If you are still here on Tuesday… it didn’t work
  • Spend more than 90 seconds with a horse and he will poop cerimoniosly, no other animal has that tendency. That among other reasons is why people rarely bring their horse friends to restaurants.
  • To help out around the house, I put up a sign ‘slaves wanted, hard work, no pay, occasional food’. Do you think anyone responded? No. Nowadays it is all Me Me Me!
  • Stayed in the sun much too long today. My skin stayed on, but everything else peeled off
  • This morning I spent some time thinking whether I exist and if any of this is real. Then I switched to looking for the Corn Flakes.
  • Yesterday was a slow day, so I spent it running outside and waving to the sky, then quickly running back and seeing if I can see myself in Google Earth.
  • My exhaustive research into classifying the natural world has concluded. The findings are… Nature is divided into: grass, trees, things that bite you.
  • I always wanted a parrot. The only problem is that would completely ruin chicken nuggets for me.
  • The Geographic society has decided to adopt my exahstive classification of the natural world: grass, trees, things that bite you.
  • If there is a god paying attention and tracking everyone who is keeping Kosher and whether they put the right plate into the right cabinet…. He must be bored out of his mind.
  • I took out a good mood insurance policy, seemed like a good investment. Then last week I had a bad mood and put in a claim, they sent over an agent and a comedian to see if they can make me laugh. They suspected I was faking it.
  • My dog was so convinced that he was a person that he was starting to become cocky about it. ‘Fine’ I told him. ‘Next time I drive and YOU navigate’
  • I am organizing a ‘running with the kittens’ event for those of us who though adventurous, fail to see the benefit of having a bull horn puncture your kidney.
  • Now that the check I used for paying for the self help seminar bounced, they called and told me I can no longer do anything I put my mind to, and I can no longer be anything I want to be. At least until another form of payment is received.
  • As far as I remember, I don’t mind getting old.
  • Just back from a self help seminar. It was great! I can do anything I put my mind to! I can be anything I want to be! Currently working on becoming taller.
  • One huge step for me. Not even noticed by mankind
  • This time we are getting rich. Here is how it works. We rent out our teeth as advertising space. Evey time we smile we get paid 13 cents by Google.
  • I am coming to realize that my problems are quite unique. Other people’s problems, I find, with a little time, a good meal, I can overcome. But my problems are different. They tend to linger, are much more difficult for me to overcome. Maybe because I am such a complex person.
  • You know like how people like use the word like all the time, like to make a point or like explain something? I don’t like it.
  • I think I’ve found the ideal job for me. Maker up of product names for Ikea. I’ve started practicing: cutlery set:Knorg, Infant bed:Hopi, Bedside lamp:Fiorg (and the accompanying self standing version Fiorgi). This is fun.
  • Did anyone figure out what happened to all those missing stripes in corduroy?
  • Only 14% of people understand statistics and can maintain one coherent thought from start to finish. The other 23% tend to… Boy I’m hungry!
  • I discovered that humanity is divided into two. You who are reading this and the rest who I am not too interested in.
  • Sometimes my dreams are kind of dreary. I don’t mind that though. What I hate are the commercials.
  • An letter arrived today from the Nobel institute in Sweden informing me that a call from them will NOT be coming this year either and please refrain from calling in and ‘just checking’. I guess last year I was a bit aggressive…
  • Having received a huge amount of telemarketing calls, I finally broke down and signed up for a service that answers them for you. And so it happened that last Tuesday at 8:00pm Rajib in Bangalore ended up talking to himself.
  • How come when you look at yourself in the mirror and you wave your right hand, the guy in the mirror waves his left hand. But point up and the guy points up too? Could it be there is a bug in the mirror software?
  • In the third quarter this year I am planning on releasing a slue of new products among them: wireless t-shirt, vegetarian cucumber and natural air filled balloon. I think I am going to make a killing (there is also the fat free basketball, but I think that will not be ready in time).
  • My navigational t-shirt (patent pending) has been helping me out quite a bit lately. It is simple and yet some of the technical aspects are quite involved. On the front of the t-shirt there is a dot and a big friendly arrow. Below are the reassuring words ‘You are here’. Keeps me grounded.
  • What we need is a plan to create occupations for dogs. There are millions and millions of dogs. They sit at home and are bored out of their minds. If we could just create a purpose for them they would be more satisfied, our furniture would be in better condition and perhaps we could solve the energy crisis.
  • It was only a matter of time before the rat would catch up with him
  • I was just offered a job, being an extra in other people’s dreams. Should I take it?
  • In places abundant in fans, stay clear of shit.
  • I took this friend of mine to the opera. But the guy has no regard for culture. He forgot the popcorn and beer at home.
  • It is depressing that now that I have finally narrowed the gap between the way I imagine things will turn out and the way they actually do… I am considered a terrible pessimist.
  • The only problem with reincarnation is that you have to keep dying all the time.
  • Name a conflict in the world past or present that doesn’t have religion as part of the conflict…. Time’s up.
  • Me = My history – memory loss and senility + wishful thinking and fanciful embellishments.
  • The most important thing is that you have your health. That is, if you have enough money to make your good health tolerable.
  • I had this dream in which I went to the dentist, waited a really long time in the waiting room, read an amazingly boring article in Golf Weekly, had two fillings done, paid a lot of money and went home. You see… In America dreams do come true.
  • From the institute of diminished expectations. ‘One day I will reach a mediocre achievement. Maybe’
  • Our pilot said ‘well folks, I apologize for the delay at the gate, I will try and make up time over the Atlantic’. I think it is unfair that only airline pilots have that ability. I would like to make up some time too. For example I would add three days to last week and a year to when I was 26.
  • My new plan for air transportation is pod-planes. You get delivered a pod which you get into, luggage and all. They come and pick it up and place it with the rest of the pods on the plane. No lines, no security no nothing. It eliminates much anxiety and the possibility that the largest person in the world will be sitting next to you.
  • I frequently get offended when accused of being set in my ways and inflexible. And it’s not true either… Yesterday I wore my left sock on my right foot. Ha… showed them.
  • Luck, good coffee and satisfaction are just some of the things I am missing today.
  • A week ago I had this deja vu… or did I?
  • No one has yet identified the specific evolutionary step we took going from apes eating each other’s ticks to creatures who sell each other life insurance.
  • This morning I am trying to mix one part yesterday and one part tomorrow. I wonder if that is how you make a today.
  • Once again Obama completely shunned me. I wasn’t sure, but today I went over the transcript of the Egypt speech. Not one mention of me. That’s it… No more mister nice guy.
  • I just fed this giant mosquito. Giving him almost half of my blood was bad enough but worse were the burps he was producing as he was flying around. And he had trouble taking off.
  • I think therefore I am wrong
  • Everywhere I go… There I am. But I look older.
  • My fake book is truer than your fake book. I know this because my fake book says so.
  • My neighbor just agreed with me that my grass isn’t greener than his!
  • In my dream everyone around was a dentist. The whole world were dentists. That can’t be all bad I thought, and there will be plenty of magazines just laying around. Then I looked down and realized I was a tooth…
  • Constantly amazed at the wonderful ideas I come up with that others thought of first
  • Tomorrow I start writing my new book ‘beating procrastination’
  • I’ve just established the association for retroactive navigation whose Moto is: ‘you should have turned left’
  • They say you dream what you know. But come on… I’ve been dreaming of soup for three nights. Surely I know about other stuff too.
  • He thought it might turn out to be embarrassing to ask for help getting his head out of the dollhouse
  • It is only age and it will pass
  • Had this dream last night. In it my mixer broke down. I called technical support. They put me on hold, I was number 781 in line. I waited online for 4 hours. Then I woke up! I hope tonight I can pickup where I left off and won’t have to start the wait from the beginning…
  • Suddenly he realized the screams were his own
  • She was not sure if the other fish were as excited as her
  • I’m just back from the patent office! Invented this new concoction made of berries and old vinegar. When swallowed it grows whiskers on your tongue that way you can brush whenever you like! They said it was poisonous, but still…
  • I’ve just subscribed to this new service ‘status waiting’ so that while I am writing about my status and a new status suddenly shows up I can … Oops, hold on for a second
  • The problem is that our culture cherishes and encourages ambition and productivity. It is always get more, make more, have more. And this is destroying the planet. We should cultivate lethargy, apathy and disinterest. Our motto should be ‘don’t just do something. Stand there’
  • If everyone else isn’t having more fun than I am, then what’s going on? are they just pretending?
  • If a person from the third world sits on the third floor and writes about himself in the third person, does it even count?
  • If everyone else isn’t having more fun than I am, then what’s going on? are they just pretending?
  • I’m getting a little paranoid. Walked around town today, till I got to this map that said ‘you are here’. How did they know where I was??
  • Has anyone figured what this ‘real life’ is good for? Are any of you using it?
  • Is it just me or do you also think that the signs saying ‘walk’, ‘don’t walk’ are too assertive?
  • Turns out I am just Bob’s imaginary friend
  • Just been rejected from another job. Village Idiot. Overqualified they said
  • Etan Rozin is single-handedly responsible for saving several endangered species of mosquitoes from extinction. A plaque was put up in his honor.
  • How do they do it? Have you ever looked at a soccer ball. It is sewn from the inside. Is that even possible?
  • I was just fantasizing that I lead a super sports team. we win everywhere we go. we are unbeatable. Then they threw me off the team.
  • As Robinson Crusoe used to say ‘Why do I have to do everything around here?’
  • Design is what happens when you aim for chaos and fail miserably.
  • I think someone is messing with me. The milk I bought said it would expire on Friday. But when I checked… It was still there!
  • Yesterday I picked up some nose drops at the pharmacy. The pharmacist asked me if I had any questions. I said yes. ‘will ever find happiness?’
  • With all this Swine flu business. Changes will have to be made. I am cutting way down on my breakfast Pork Flakes and minimizing my swine wine intake
  • Last Saturday I walked around telling everyone it was only Thursday. I wanted to seem younger.
  • My idea is that teeth would replace themselves every 5 years. You would get a note in the mail, ‘stay home on Wednesday’. And that’s it. New teeth.
  • The truth is that we were just kidding when we invented God. Now he can’t take a joke.
  • My worries are over! This general’s daughter from Nigeria is going to send me 6.8 million dollars next Tuesday. How lucky is that?
  • My institute that has dedicated itself to the research of artificial intelligence, has finally given up in frustration. We are now going to concentrate on natural stupidity.
  • I am abandoning my life long research into artificial intelligence, and will now concentrate on natural stupidity
  • I am looking to discover a new planet hitherto unknown to human kind. It should be habitable and have nice cloud formations. Barring that, I would kill for a new salad dressing
  • Got a letter from the government. Turns out I am the most average person in the country. From now on all decisions will be made by asking me.
  • Woke up from this terrible dream. My life was flashing before my very eyes. Then I realized. This isn’t my life. First of all they were all Chinese. And second, my life doesn’t have commercials.
  • If life is no picnic, what’s with the sandwiches all the time?
  • I’m a little confused. Our mail is picked up by a mailman who is a female. Now what happens if I need to send in a fee by mail? Will the female mailman mail the fee?
  • How can this be a mid-life crisis if I’ve had three before? It doesn’t compute
  • Change is a wonderful thing. Mostly I like it to happen in other people
  • It’s my inferiority complex again. I am thinking of seeing a shrink. There is one that comes highly recommended. But am I good enough for him?
  • Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for me.
  • where I live there is only one person per capita
  • How come the instant you get upgraded to business class, everyone else immediately becomes so inferior?
  • When the time comes, I want to die in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
  • In the supermarket. Everything I am looking for is in another isle…
  • I am thinking that if all else fails I can always be used as a model for the ‘before’ photo in ‘before and after’ ads
  • מכין שירים לסדר לאתאיסטים. בינתיים יצא: אפס מי יודע
  • If an experience you have is not observed in your facebook status, did it really happen?
  • I am switching therapists. He told me it wasn’t an inferiority complex. I was just inferior. But will I be good enough for the new one?
  • Just caught my cell phone and my land line having phone sex. Very disturbing.
  • I was thinking of doing some multitasking today. But something else came up
  • My other status notice is clever
  • Five short days to prepare for the weekend.
  • The word ‘literally’ is literally misused literally 90% of the time
  • Trying to think of myself in the third person, but the other two keep getting in the way.
  • at the gym. They have a machine to exercise every part of your body, and I am exercising two fingers…
  • is it that hard to imagine me as a ballerina? Just checking
  • Now in 3D
  • Just met another three people who have never won the Nobel prize in chemistry. It’s a small world!
  • Murphy was an optimist..
  • If I could only remember what is on my mind
  • is now officially old. Everything he says should be treated with respect and awe. Recognizing his wisdom… Or not
  • I wasn’t planning on being depressed this birthday. But I might reconsider.
  • Etan Rozin’s theorem: the further you are from the beach the more likely are you to be certain the end of the world is upon us
  • Remembered he totally wasted three months in 1989. He wants them back
  • I am realizing. Another snow storm. Another shot illusion of control
  • Thinking everyone else’s status is so much more clever
  • Trying to not die. Lets see how long I can keep it up
  • Thinking that Evolution is what happens when god isn’t paying attention.
  • Amazed reality is so highly rated. Who uses it anyway?
  • Etan Rozin remembers thinking this exact same thought yesterday
  • Etan Rozin is trying to think but getting only gas.
  • Etan Rozin is very disappointed. After months of support Obama barely mentioned him in his speech (you have to read between the lines)!
  • Etan Rozin is very nervous. Will Obama mention me in his speech??
  • Etan Rozin is not sure he hasn’t fallen victim to identity theft. I keep refering to myself by a different name…
  • Thinking of procrastinating, too tired, I’ll start tomorrow
  • Etan Rozin is remembering history repeats itself. Wait! He thought that yesterday!
  • Etan Rozin is realizing reality is no example.
  • I think I am a reverse vampire. When I look into a mirror I see nothing but me.
  • We climbed to the top of the food chain for this??
  • Just discovered that my inner voice has a terrible accent
  • had another dream in which the subtitles where in a foreign language…
  • Thinking about Scratch. What is that wonderful material that people make so many things from.
  • Decided to put off starting to procrastinate till tomorrow
  • Noticing the thrill of new underwear is wearing off.
  • Etan Rozin no longer pretends like he has control over anything
  • Etan Rozin is thinking why next year will be better than this one… and is totally stumped
  • Etan Rozin is enjoying a fresh change of underware now that some of the luggage arrived. never fly Alitalia
  • Etan Rozin is worried. He never appears in any of his dreams
  • Etan Rozin is thinking. If I could just sell snow… my problems would be over.
  • Etan Rozin is thinking that even the pope enjoys a good burp once in a while
  • no one is totally useless. you can always be a bad example.
October 12th, 2009|Daily Musings|0 Comments
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